My dad worked away from home for days and sometimes weeks at a time. When he would come home home, the table was lit with candles and wine was served. Dinner at our house was always festive.
When OCD got a hold of me in the mid 2000s, I became afraid of candles. If I manage to overcome my fear long enough to light some, I would put them outside of the house before leaving for the day because, I was afraid of them causing a fire .
One of the first assignments that my therapistgave me last winter , was to light a candle and let it burn itself out to see what would the happen. I used my favourite Kosta Boda votive candle holder which would make the flames appear to be dancing on the table. The assignment required me to leave the house everyday to go to work for the next week and leave the votive candle in the holder, I.e., I was not allowed to put the candle outside. Well, the house would still be there when I got home and it's still standing today.
Last night, we had friends over for dinner. In order to celebrate overcoming OCD, I decided to light candles and put them everywhere our guests would likely go in the house: kitchen, living room, dining area, bathroom. One of my guests noticed and commented immediately. I had told her awhile back to stop giving me candles as gifts because they were distressing to me. Now, I suppose that she might go back to giving me candles, but that's okay, I will embrace them and go with the flow.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Study came to an end a couple of weeks ago
I had been fortunate enough to participate in a study about therapy for O.C.D. patients. My sessions started around late November or early December of last year. I'd go about once a week or once every two weeks.
I wrote about some of the challenges that I had to do and how I got through them. I felt a bit of a relapse towards the end of the summer when I was going a month without seeing my therapist. It was as if not having to be accountable to someone allowed me to falter. However, when my therapy ended, I felt happy and confident that my life would no longer be the same and that I had the tools in order to break free from being a slave to my checking habits.
Yes, I still check some things, but I don't go around the house or my place of work in circles rechecking things multiple times and feeling that if something bad happens it will be my fault.
I know and accept now that sh*# happens and that I just have to deal with it if and when it does. The day after my last therapy session I had to drive back into the city for a sonogram for my breasts. The old me would have been panicking. I decided to recapture some of the faith I used to have years ago or maybe practice a new accepting faith. I decided to trust God, Spirit, Jesus or whoever you would have me refer to that I was healthy. I also decided that if something came up that I would get through it with grace, faith and strength. I no longer want to live in fear and I was presented with a real life, real time situation to start practicing.
So, I've decided to keep being grateful everyday for each new day and the gifts and challenges which present themselves to me. I am getting along much better with my partner and life is generally flowing.
What's next?
Because there has to be something else in order to progress, right?
Well, I'd like to not check dumb things at all. Sometimes, I walk out and forget to check stuff and that's healthy compared to taking 45 minutes just to leave the house because I kept going in circles.
I'd also like to take a trip a bit farther away from home. More than a 8 hour drive. Maybe getting back into air travel or something a bit harder than driving a day's drive away for 4 or 5 days. I don't know what yet. A lifetime ago, I used to travel a lot. I'm not sure that that's what I want now, but I do know that I would like to be a bit more mobile.
I wrote about some of the challenges that I had to do and how I got through them. I felt a bit of a relapse towards the end of the summer when I was going a month without seeing my therapist. It was as if not having to be accountable to someone allowed me to falter. However, when my therapy ended, I felt happy and confident that my life would no longer be the same and that I had the tools in order to break free from being a slave to my checking habits.
Yes, I still check some things, but I don't go around the house or my place of work in circles rechecking things multiple times and feeling that if something bad happens it will be my fault.
I know and accept now that sh*# happens and that I just have to deal with it if and when it does. The day after my last therapy session I had to drive back into the city for a sonogram for my breasts. The old me would have been panicking. I decided to recapture some of the faith I used to have years ago or maybe practice a new accepting faith. I decided to trust God, Spirit, Jesus or whoever you would have me refer to that I was healthy. I also decided that if something came up that I would get through it with grace, faith and strength. I no longer want to live in fear and I was presented with a real life, real time situation to start practicing.
So, I've decided to keep being grateful everyday for each new day and the gifts and challenges which present themselves to me. I am getting along much better with my partner and life is generally flowing.
What's next?
Because there has to be something else in order to progress, right?
Well, I'd like to not check dumb things at all. Sometimes, I walk out and forget to check stuff and that's healthy compared to taking 45 minutes just to leave the house because I kept going in circles.
I'd also like to take a trip a bit farther away from home. More than a 8 hour drive. Maybe getting back into air travel or something a bit harder than driving a day's drive away for 4 or 5 days. I don't know what yet. A lifetime ago, I used to travel a lot. I'm not sure that that's what I want now, but I do know that I would like to be a bit more mobile.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Still checking some things..but once
I've gone back to work which as much as I love teaching is stressful. So far, I'm mostly checking things at home and at work once, maybe twice, and then telling myself "So be it, I,ve done all that I can do" before leaving. I'm not as paranoid about my new SUV either. I'm careful as always, it is in my nature, but at some point you just have to let go.
Every day is still a struggle, but I feel as if I'm making a lot of progress. I can now walk out of the house in a spontaneous manner and forget to check things, especially if just running out for a few minutes. If I'm going to the city or away for a few hours I still check things like the computer, the front door, the dryer and the kitchen appliances. I don't need to touch them multiple times like I used to.
We are leaving in an hour. I'm going to force myself to check only what needs to be checked: front door, cat, back door.
Every day is still a struggle, but I feel as if I'm making a lot of progress. I can now walk out of the house in a spontaneous manner and forget to check things, especially if just running out for a few minutes. If I'm going to the city or away for a few hours I still check things like the computer, the front door, the dryer and the kitchen appliances. I don't need to touch them multiple times like I used to.
We are leaving in an hour. I'm going to force myself to check only what needs to be checked: front door, cat, back door.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Setbacks are for learning
I've noticed that I've starting checking things that I'd quit checking. This has happened in the last couple of weeks. What has changed? The purchase of a brand new car? I'm worried about scratching, denting or smashing it up altogether? Is this what is causing anxiety? Next week, I'm heading off to a workshop and 4 day learning session in the woods with a bunch of people I don't know. Will I fit in? Will I be wasting 4 days of vacation? Could this be causing some anxiety? The end of summer vacation is nearing and school will be all engulfing again. Is this causing anxiety?
Reality check
I'm a good and cautious driver so the chances are slim or therefore beyond my control if anything happens to my brand new car. I have good insurance. The thing is that I would feel responsible and I am afraid of disappointing my partner and myself. All of that is triggering some of my lifetraps: unrelenting standards, subjugation, vulnerability. And those are just some of my top lifetraps.
I usually make friends easily so I shouldn't worry about other people at the workshop. I should remember that if I'm interested in others instead of worrying about myself, I should be okay. And as far as wasting my time, well, if nothing else, I'll be learning about forest management and meet new people.
So the summer is coming to and end and people keep asking me when does school start up. It's the same story every summer. I worry that OCD will flare up as I get ready to go back to work. I've come so far and now I'm worrying about OCD. I should really aim my attention at what is causing the anxiety and not the symptoms. I'm anxious about going back to work. Why should I be? I'm successful and well-liked and I enjoy a good reputation. My unrelenting standards often push me to do more than I need to do to perform my duties well. In the last few years, I've been able to work more wisely and be more effective while whittling down the long hours. I know that I must continue to put myself ahead of my work if I want to stay healthy and less anxious. I need to continue to limit the time that I spend working either at school or at home on school relating projects.
I'm also worried about my time with my therapist coming to an end soon. I worry that I'll slip right back into my old checking habits because I won't have to report to her regularly. She's giving me the tools that I need to keep on living my life more freely. It's still a struggle but I need to put everything into practice. I need to look at each of fears head on, educate myself on the chances of my fears becoming a reality and face them.
I need to continue to make time for taking in the good so that the good pushes away my worries.
Here are my ways of taking in the good:
reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time
So, I've slipped back into checking. It isn't nearly as bad as it was before I got help but don't want to go back to wasting precious time and working myself into such states of anxiety that I become almost paralyzed and unable to make a move.
OCD and checking rituals are a lot like your brain is skipping and playing the same thing over and over again like an old LP record.
I mustn't stay stuck but face my fears and continue to push through them. I'm okay right here, right now. And even if something bad happens, if I survive to live through it, I'll eventually be okay. I have to keep on going.
I wish you success.
Reality check
I'm a good and cautious driver so the chances are slim or therefore beyond my control if anything happens to my brand new car. I have good insurance. The thing is that I would feel responsible and I am afraid of disappointing my partner and myself. All of that is triggering some of my lifetraps: unrelenting standards, subjugation, vulnerability. And those are just some of my top lifetraps.
I usually make friends easily so I shouldn't worry about other people at the workshop. I should remember that if I'm interested in others instead of worrying about myself, I should be okay. And as far as wasting my time, well, if nothing else, I'll be learning about forest management and meet new people.
So the summer is coming to and end and people keep asking me when does school start up. It's the same story every summer. I worry that OCD will flare up as I get ready to go back to work. I've come so far and now I'm worrying about OCD. I should really aim my attention at what is causing the anxiety and not the symptoms. I'm anxious about going back to work. Why should I be? I'm successful and well-liked and I enjoy a good reputation. My unrelenting standards often push me to do more than I need to do to perform my duties well. In the last few years, I've been able to work more wisely and be more effective while whittling down the long hours. I know that I must continue to put myself ahead of my work if I want to stay healthy and less anxious. I need to continue to limit the time that I spend working either at school or at home on school relating projects.
I'm also worried about my time with my therapist coming to an end soon. I worry that I'll slip right back into my old checking habits because I won't have to report to her regularly. She's giving me the tools that I need to keep on living my life more freely. It's still a struggle but I need to put everything into practice. I need to look at each of fears head on, educate myself on the chances of my fears becoming a reality and face them.
I need to continue to make time for taking in the good so that the good pushes away my worries.
Here are my ways of taking in the good:
reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time
So, I've slipped back into checking. It isn't nearly as bad as it was before I got help but don't want to go back to wasting precious time and working myself into such states of anxiety that I become almost paralyzed and unable to make a move.
OCD and checking rituals are a lot like your brain is skipping and playing the same thing over and over again like an old LP record.
I mustn't stay stuck but face my fears and continue to push through them. I'm okay right here, right now. And even if something bad happens, if I survive to live through it, I'll eventually be okay. I have to keep on going.
I wish you success.
Friday, July 11, 2014
All I really need to know I learned from my journey through OCD.
Do what needs to be done right now.
Forget the rest.
Be okay right here, right now.
Lean into what is going on around and inside of me right now.
Sit and smile.
Know that even when things go wrong, that most often, I'm usually okay anyway.
Set attainable goals.
Celebrate baby steps as much as GIANT steps.
Avoid pressuring myself to get over OCD and anxiety within a certain time frame.
Stop trying to please everyone.
Be good to myself and to others without forgetting myself.
Abstain from wanting what I don't already have (things, people, lifestyle, etc.).
Accept that this is part of my journey.
Enjoy little moments as much as big moments.
Enthuse when possible.
Share my passion.
Focus on gratitude.
I have recently been able to leave the house with the computer and TV on, the coffee maker and nightlight plugged in and the washing machine doing it's thing and when I came back the house was still standing and the cat hadn't escaped. So there. Take that OCD!
I am slowly learning that I don't have to be always be hyper-vigilant and that I am not totally vulnerable or always in danger of something terrible happening.
I have also decided not to put pressure on myself to prove to myself that I can still travel. I'm basically a sloth when I'm not at work or without a mission so I'm going to stop researching trips and maxing out my anxiety levels over travel plans and leaving home. For now, I've decided that I'll travel when an opportunity comes up.
I'll focus on taking in the good as Dr. Rick Hanson says.
My ways of taking in the good:
reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time
I wish you peace and success in your journey.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Success vs mastery in learning to let go and overcome O.C.D.
I've had some successes in letting go and leaving places without checking and going around in circles, but I got down on myself last week because after a stressful event, I tended to revert back to checking certain things, just a wee bit. Enough to take notice.
The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.
For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.
I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.
When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:
In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?
What are the chances that it could actually happen?
Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?
And then, I have to let go.
So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.
Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.
Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.
Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.
I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.
The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.
For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.
I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.
When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:
In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?
What are the chances that it could actually happen?
Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?
And then, I have to let go.
So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.
Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.
Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.
Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.
I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
A shift in perspective
I can feel something shifting in me. This morning was the first morning in ages that I've woken up and not felt a sense of dread or anxiety upon opening my eyes before greeting a new day.
I've been practicing cardiac coherence or coherent breathing 2 to 3 times a day 5 minutes each time: morning, midday and before bed time. Perhaps, that combined with a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy is changing the way I perceive things, the way I think, act and finally my habits.
Friday, I actually came home to find that I had forgotten to check the computer's power bar and the house hadn't burned down to the ground.
So today, as I left the house to go swim, then go grocery shopping and later to a kiddy birthday party, I purposefully left the power bar on, turned on the power bar for my guitar amp and left the TV on. These are all things that I never do. Again, I came home to find that the house was still standing.
So, O.C.D. seems to be getting tamed after almost a decade of suffering. The last step for me is getting over travel anxiety. I used to travel a lot and most often on my own or joining others at a rendez-vous point overseas. After tragic events described earlier in this blog, I stopped traveling cold turkey. I haven't been able to get up in the saddle since.
Recent attempts at booking a vacation turned out to be an experience in mismatched expectations and I began get stressed out by the whole process and I backed out. It didn't feel right but I figured that it was just my anxiety screaming at me again. I felt disappointed in myself and I felt as if I had failed.
I have not failed. I have just found 10 000 ways that won't work.
Thomas Edison
Mindfulness is teaching me not to have expectations and to live this moment fully. A few minutes ago, I mentioned to family that I was thinking of buying a tent in case I want to go camping this summer. As I walked past their garage, I was offered the same kind of tent I was hoping to buy and lessons in how to put it up.
So maybe not stressing about planning is a good way for me to go on about my life right now.
Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99I have not failed. I have
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99I have not failed. I have
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99
Saturday, April 19, 2014
2 weeks without checking!!
"You should be experiencing the life that is happening to you, not
the one you wish was happening...Don't waste a moment of trying to make
other things happen; appreciate the moments you are given. ..Every
minute, you're a step closer to death."
Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul
It's been almost 2 weeks since I've overly checked anything. I've even forgotten to turn off lights in the kitchen or left my phone at home. Nothing important.
I feel liberated.
I check the front door, the cat and I scan the kitchen. Then, I leave. I've hardly checked any of the other things which used to get me going in circles for long agonizing minutes before leaving to go literally anywhere.
How have I done this?
With help.
The process took a few months of reprogramming how I thought about things and honestly looking at what was dangerous, what isn't, in what circumstances something bad could happen, and to what degree each fear was actually dangerous on a scale from 0 to 100. (A hundred being a gun to your head.)
I've had to learn to, well, let go.
I have had to relearn to accept:
-that I am not, never was and never will be in control of life's events
-that I'm not responsible for most of the stuff for which I have felt guilt and shame
-that things happen and you and I will just have to deal with it the best we can
-that at some point you have to move on or you just stay stuck
-that living life involves risk and that it is possible to gauge risk in a reasonable way
-that living in a state of fear is a tremendous waste of energy and it becomes a full time project
-that life must be lived in balance and that I must not participate in the extremes of life but let the pendulum come to rest in the middle
"You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be...Life happens, you're there, but you don't make it happen. There is no stress, there is no burden.
Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul
I'm also learning to create healthy habits that I can rest upon when the doubting gremlins try to get a hold of my mind.
Being fully present in space and time helps me be grounded yet at times somewhat detached even in the most stressful events. When my mind wanders, and it does, I gently bring myself back to now and the task at hand whether it be preparing a salad to swimming laps and making my movements as efficient and economical as possible.
I've practiced gratitude for years now, but learning to combine gratitude with being fully present and being grateful for this moment, here and now, has somehow made a significant shift in my perception. It's like that synergistic state of mind leading up to impact when driving a perfect golf shot. Your whole being, mind and body, is focusing and working together with laser beam accuracy on one precise moment.I quit playing golf over a decade ago because I started being extremely competitive and unkind with myself, but I remember that perfect moment of impact as absolutely priceless.
This week, I was involved in and witness a sudden crisis event which evolved over about 90 minutes. I felt totally present and aware of each passing moment during that crisis and was able to do what was needed while we waited for help to arrive. I also remember feeling like an observer. I was fully present yet somehow detached. I was in the eye of the storm in a state of calmness and I knew that no matter how bad things got, that time would propel all of those involved in the crisis to eventually move on. For some, that would be sooner than later. For others, it could be a long road ahead.
But that's it isn't it? It's all about the journey. The destination can be beautiful and exciting, but really, it's the journey which makes it all memorable. I've wondered for a long time why my life took the detour into O.C.D. and anxiety, but I guess one could wonder why anything happens.
This is part of my journey. I might as well accept it and learn from it. And if sharing about this struggle is helpful to anyone else, well, I guess it was all worth it.
Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul
It's been almost 2 weeks since I've overly checked anything. I've even forgotten to turn off lights in the kitchen or left my phone at home. Nothing important.
I feel liberated.
I check the front door, the cat and I scan the kitchen. Then, I leave. I've hardly checked any of the other things which used to get me going in circles for long agonizing minutes before leaving to go literally anywhere.
How have I done this?
With help.
The process took a few months of reprogramming how I thought about things and honestly looking at what was dangerous, what isn't, in what circumstances something bad could happen, and to what degree each fear was actually dangerous on a scale from 0 to 100. (A hundred being a gun to your head.)
I've had to learn to, well, let go.
I have had to relearn to accept:
-that I am not, never was and never will be in control of life's events
-that I'm not responsible for most of the stuff for which I have felt guilt and shame
-that things happen and you and I will just have to deal with it the best we can
-that at some point you have to move on or you just stay stuck
-that living life involves risk and that it is possible to gauge risk in a reasonable way
-that living in a state of fear is a tremendous waste of energy and it becomes a full time project
-that life must be lived in balance and that I must not participate in the extremes of life but let the pendulum come to rest in the middle
"You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be...Life happens, you're there, but you don't make it happen. There is no stress, there is no burden.
Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul
I'm also learning to create healthy habits that I can rest upon when the doubting gremlins try to get a hold of my mind.
Being fully present in space and time helps me be grounded yet at times somewhat detached even in the most stressful events. When my mind wanders, and it does, I gently bring myself back to now and the task at hand whether it be preparing a salad to swimming laps and making my movements as efficient and economical as possible.
I've practiced gratitude for years now, but learning to combine gratitude with being fully present and being grateful for this moment, here and now, has somehow made a significant shift in my perception. It's like that synergistic state of mind leading up to impact when driving a perfect golf shot. Your whole being, mind and body, is focusing and working together with laser beam accuracy on one precise moment.I quit playing golf over a decade ago because I started being extremely competitive and unkind with myself, but I remember that perfect moment of impact as absolutely priceless.
This week, I was involved in and witness a sudden crisis event which evolved over about 90 minutes. I felt totally present and aware of each passing moment during that crisis and was able to do what was needed while we waited for help to arrive. I also remember feeling like an observer. I was fully present yet somehow detached. I was in the eye of the storm in a state of calmness and I knew that no matter how bad things got, that time would propel all of those involved in the crisis to eventually move on. For some, that would be sooner than later. For others, it could be a long road ahead.
But that's it isn't it? It's all about the journey. The destination can be beautiful and exciting, but really, it's the journey which makes it all memorable. I've wondered for a long time why my life took the detour into O.C.D. and anxiety, but I guess one could wonder why anything happens.
This is part of my journey. I might as well accept it and learn from it. And if sharing about this struggle is helpful to anyone else, well, I guess it was all worth it.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Perfectionist, you say?
I was doing so well. I'm not back to checking a dozen times or more or really getting my brain stuck like an old record needle skipping and playing the same 3 notes over and over and over again. Now, I can usually kickstart myself out of a checking funk after 1 or 2 goes. That's still too much for me. I'm getting impatient with myself and my progress because I see now that I could live a life with more freedom, confidence and free time. I'm so close and yet...
My restless mind believes that I should be down to checking only 3 essential things before leaving:
1. Is the cat inside?
2. Is the front door locked?
3. Casually, glance around the kitchen before heading out the back door.
Simple, huh? You would think so.
I'm still checking the upstairs electrical outlets and nightlight but I kid myself into believeing that I'm not really checking them because I no longer do it with my coat on and my keys in my hand just before leaving. I'm doing it as I brush my teeth upstairs after breakfast. I could brush my teeth in the downstairs bathroom, but I don't. Maybe, I need to change that habit this week.
I no longer empty out the dryer lint except for when I'm actually using the dryer. But, somehow, in the mornings before leaving, I find myself in the laundry room gazing at the blasted dryer when I get my coat out of the closet. I should move my coat to another closet far away from the laundry room.
I no longer empty the inch of water left in the bathtub because the cat prefers drinking there than from her bowl in the kitchen. I'm pretty convinced that she can't drown herself in there, but I do walk by the bathroom door telling myself that I no longer allow myself to check it. Rituals, anyone?
I no longer unplug my laptop in my home office, but I still turn off the power bar. Do you see any logic in that?
So, that's where I'm at this week and have been for the last couple of weeks.
I need to look at what might have made me anxious lately.
I have a student teacher in my classroom. She's fine, but I realize that it does change things. I enjoy sharing my experience, but this also means that my days are much longer because of all of the sharing which takes place after the kids have left and I still need to do my day to day preparations and such. I've been getting home much later and not eating as well as usual.
For example, Thursday, I arrived home around 5:50 but corrected and did planning until almost 9pm. I had nothing much left to eat by the end of the week and ended up eating Quaker Harvest Crunch powdery crumbs from the bottom of the box with Soya milk before lugging myself up to bed. I usually have a lot of homemade healthy meals made ahead of time. I just need to be better prepared this week.
I usually see someone on Mondays about this letting go and going with the flow journey, but she's away until April 7th. I'm wondering if I'm somehow slacking off because I don't have to be held accountible for my behaviour except to myself. I need to respect myself more.
This week, I will not doubt myself because even if I forgot to check something, chances are that everything would be okay just the same. Logically, I know that the chances of something bad happening are incredibly slim and I also know that I can't really control anything or save my world by staring down electrical outlets and dealing with dryer fuzz.
So what if something bad did happen? What then? I'd have no choice but to deal with it. I can still choose to be happy no matter what.
I don't know a thing about surfing or sailing, but I used to do a bit of white water kayaking. You learn to read the river with its currents and rocks. Most of the time, you can see a safe way down. You can get into rough water, but you can't fight its force. You have to learn to use it to your advantage and learn to go with the flow. Often in kayaking, you have to do what is opposite to human nature. For example, if your boat gets stuck up against an inanimate object like a rock, instead of leaning away from it to get away, you "hug" the obstacle. Leaning into the problem, causes your boat's underside to be exposed and catch the water and you're eventually carried away to safety.
If you find yourself upside down strapped into your kayak, human nature would have you stick your head out first A.S.A.P.. Wrong! If you do that, you will roll back under water, tire yourself out by trying the same thing over and over again. That would be bad news.
You need to roll your center of gravity (your belly-button) towards the sky in order to get your kayak to roll upright...then you can bring your head up and gasp for air. In the last decade, I forgot to roll my boat and belly-button up before coming up for air. Consequently, I've spent the last few years upside down in and thrashing around in panic mode.
I think that when my Dad died suddenly and my partner was deathly ill for the better part of the same and following year, I must have leaned away from those experiences (non-acceptance) and that caused my boat (perspective) to flip over.
Being a bit of a perfectionist, I must have wanted to perform normally right away. Consequently, I just kept flipping over. I think that trying to control things by checking was a behaviour which became a habit and thing surreptitiously. I never set out to convince myself that by checking things over and over a zillion times that I could actually control fate. It just happened.
Finally, there are times when it's safest to portage. I hate portaging! It's like having to ask for help. I'm so lousy at portaging (picture weak ankles on slippery rocks) that I always have to ask my friends to help me carry my gear and kayak. Portaging and asking for help can be tough on the old ego. So be it!
When was the last time ego ever did something for me instead of itself?
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Revisualizing how I see myself
View chez moi et ailleurs in a larger map
Part of learning to let go is learning to let go of my attachment to home, partner and perceived safety and certainty. I decided to make some handy copies of pictures of myself of when I used to travel without a care in the world. I never worried if anything would happen to friends or loved ones while I was working overseas and traveling regularly. So, why have I been so consumed with fear about leaving home for the past decade?
Update on this week's homework
I managed to accomplish all of my homework.
I lit a candle every day, let it burn out and resisted any urges to put it outside afterwards.
I resisted checking the water in the bathtub before leaving the house.
I resisted unplugging the nightlight when leaving the house.
I only glanced around the kitchen before leaving.
Writing about those urges almost feels foreign after a week and my list of things to check has gone down. I find that I trust myself more. For example, I ironed 6 shirts today. I don't like ironing and don't do it often. Maybe, just maybe, I avoid ironing because then I have to deal with wondering whether the iron is shut off and unplugged. Today, I let it cool and put it away before meeting friends for a walk and that was that. I didn't go back to check it before leaving and I didn't obsess about it or anything else before leaving or while out.
I feel good about that. I go back to work tomorrow. I have to stay disciplined and keep it up.
Bird in a cage
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Almost perfect
I almost made through the day going in and out without checking until I left the house for the evening. I hadn't checked a thing knowing full well that there was nothing "dangerous" left on. I didn't even make it a block when I turned back to check on a power bar that I had left on earlier in the day to charge a laptop. It was off alright. I felt bad about giving in, but I tried not to beat myself too badly.
I guess that there will be ups and downs as I get better. How I wished that it would just go away, but it took awhile to get a hold of me so I guess that I should be patient in healing my broken brain. Sometimes broken bones need to be reset. I guess broken brains deserve a few chances to get rewired in their thought processes.
I guess that there will be ups and downs as I get better. How I wished that it would just go away, but it took awhile to get a hold of me so I guess that I should be patient in healing my broken brain. Sometimes broken bones need to be reset. I guess broken brains deserve a few chances to get rewired in their thought processes.
Friday, March 7, 2014
One day without checking!!
I did it. I went all of yesterday without checking a thing. I went out twice and left without looping around the house to check whether the cat was in, the dryer was off, the stove was off, the oven was cool, the computers were off and unplugged, etc.
How incredibly liberating!!
I'm going to try to do it again today.
How incredibly liberating!!
I'm going to try to do it again today.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
today's challenge
I have nothing much on my plate today. I might go out to the store and then go for a ski. I'm going to challenge myself not to check a darn thing
books for learning to let go
Here are a list of books that have helped me on my journey.
Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
Daring greatly by Brené Brown
The gift of imperfection by Brené Brown
An astronaut's guide to life by Chris Hadfield
A return to love by Marianne Williamson
I also enjoy reading Zen Habits by Leo Babauta
Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
Daring greatly by Brené Brown
The gift of imperfection by Brené Brown
An astronaut's guide to life by Chris Hadfield
A return to love by Marianne Williamson
I also enjoy reading Zen Habits by Leo Babauta
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Ocd letting go: my homework
This week, I am NOT checking the bathroom or bathtub and only glancing briefly around the kitchen before leaving. I also must leave the nightlight plugged in and burn 1 candle per day and leave the candle in the holder to cool.
My partner leaves a wee bit of water in the bathtub because our fat cat likes jumping into the mostly empty tub and drink water as if it were a puddle after the rain. I developed a fear of her drowning.
I used to make sure the bathtub was empty and that no candles were burning in the dowstairs bathroom before leaving. I no longer leave any candles in the downstairs bathroom. I would put outside on the veranda. No logic. There is never any logic with OCD. Never mind the fact that I have a huge decorative lantern in the upstairs bathroom with a candle in it. For some reason, I have never feared that one causing a fire. Maybe because I hardly ever light it.
Until very recently, I used to touch the burners on the stove and the element in the stove several times. I also used to touch the electrical sockets to "make sure" that the kettle and coffee machine were Okay.
Before modifying my behaviour, we had to get my brain to start modifying its thought process which is the cognitive part of the therapy. I had to analyze and rate my thoughts and emotions for frequecy and for intensity on a scale of 1 to 100 over a few weeks.
Over the last few years my brain had slipped into the following cognitive errors or distorsions:
Intolerance of uncertainty
Oerestimation of threat
Overestimation of responsibility
Intolerance of anxiety
Emotional reasoning ( you assume that danger is imminent based simply on the fact that you are feeling anxious)
Significance of thoughts (likelyood of thought action fusion)
There are other cognitive errors tormenting other poor souls out there, but those were which I recognized in my thought patterns.
For each of my obsessions, I had to answer the following 7 questions:
1. What am I basing my assumptions upon?
2. What evidence contradicts my thoughts (obsessions)?
3. Are my sources trustworthy?
4. What's my hypothesis? (Either, the thing is off/unplugged or it's not.)
5. What would I tell someone who was acting like me?
6. What if IT happened? What would I do in the worst case scenario?
7. If someone is holding a gun to my head, that would rate 100 on the danger scale. From 1 to 100, how would I rate the thing that I'm obsessing about?
I haven't eliminated everything yet, but I am making progress.
Some things don't bother me anymore. For example, I really don't think my huge cat could drown if for some reason there was water left in the bathtub. She has never jumped up onto the side of the tub when it's been full. And I no longer think that leaving a nightlight plugged will necessarily start a house fire.
I am learning to trust my senses more. I am no longer touching things to make sure that they are off or unplugged.
I read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg last week. Not all of it was helpful or pertinent to getting over OCD, but I was able to make a few links between my process and how habits work.
There is always a cue. For me, the cue is leaving. Leaving home, work or even parking the car.
The cue is followed by a routine or what we do (a certain behaviour). For me, it was checking things repeatedly with rising anxiety.
The routine is followed by a reward. In OCD, we hope that certainty will be attained if we do the compulsion just one more time, but it never does. We just feel more and more anxious.
I've had to relearn that all of life is uncertain. That's just the way it is. Reading Chris Hadfield's autobiography, An Astronaut's Guide to Life, taught me that his kind prepares repeatedly for the worst case scenario, but hope for the best.
So, I re-analyzed my reward. A few years ago, I managed to get the checking down to a certain number of times. I had set goals (number of times I was allowed to check before leaving the house) and I would reward myself with gifts like a new guitar or an mp3 player. This past week, I realized that tangible rewards meant little to me.
I'm really sick of living with OCD and how I've allow it to limit my life in recent years. With the small changes that I've been able to make, I feel like I'm finally getting the combination right and that the door to my cage is opening. I feel like a caged bird getting ready to fly towards freedom. And as I drew this image in my journal, I wrote down that my reward will be confidence, time and freedom.
So now, my cue is still leaving.
My routine is changing. I am eliminating checking certain things altogether and other things, I am only checking once. I remind myself to be very present, being mindful of my actions.
(There are still some things that I check repeatedly, but I find that my list is getting shorter.) Once, I'm ready to walk out and lock the backdoor, I say a little prayer to boost my confidence and start listening to music. In the last week, when I needed to just leave and walk briskly somewhere, I found Annie Lennox's Ghosts in my Machine to be just right.
And my reward is more and more confidence, time and freedom.
If you are dealing with OCD, I wish you peace of mind and freedom.
My partner leaves a wee bit of water in the bathtub because our fat cat likes jumping into the mostly empty tub and drink water as if it were a puddle after the rain. I developed a fear of her drowning.
I used to make sure the bathtub was empty and that no candles were burning in the dowstairs bathroom before leaving. I no longer leave any candles in the downstairs bathroom. I would put outside on the veranda. No logic. There is never any logic with OCD. Never mind the fact that I have a huge decorative lantern in the upstairs bathroom with a candle in it. For some reason, I have never feared that one causing a fire. Maybe because I hardly ever light it.
Until very recently, I used to touch the burners on the stove and the element in the stove several times. I also used to touch the electrical sockets to "make sure" that the kettle and coffee machine were Okay.
Before modifying my behaviour, we had to get my brain to start modifying its thought process which is the cognitive part of the therapy. I had to analyze and rate my thoughts and emotions for frequecy and for intensity on a scale of 1 to 100 over a few weeks.
Over the last few years my brain had slipped into the following cognitive errors or distorsions:
Intolerance of uncertainty
Oerestimation of threat
Overestimation of responsibility
Intolerance of anxiety
Emotional reasoning ( you assume that danger is imminent based simply on the fact that you are feeling anxious)
Significance of thoughts (likelyood of thought action fusion)
There are other cognitive errors tormenting other poor souls out there, but those were which I recognized in my thought patterns.
For each of my obsessions, I had to answer the following 7 questions:
1. What am I basing my assumptions upon?
2. What evidence contradicts my thoughts (obsessions)?
3. Are my sources trustworthy?
4. What's my hypothesis? (Either, the thing is off/unplugged or it's not.)
5. What would I tell someone who was acting like me?
6. What if IT happened? What would I do in the worst case scenario?
7. If someone is holding a gun to my head, that would rate 100 on the danger scale. From 1 to 100, how would I rate the thing that I'm obsessing about?
I haven't eliminated everything yet, but I am making progress.
Some things don't bother me anymore. For example, I really don't think my huge cat could drown if for some reason there was water left in the bathtub. She has never jumped up onto the side of the tub when it's been full. And I no longer think that leaving a nightlight plugged will necessarily start a house fire.
I am learning to trust my senses more. I am no longer touching things to make sure that they are off or unplugged.
I read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg last week. Not all of it was helpful or pertinent to getting over OCD, but I was able to make a few links between my process and how habits work.
There is always a cue. For me, the cue is leaving. Leaving home, work or even parking the car.
The cue is followed by a routine or what we do (a certain behaviour). For me, it was checking things repeatedly with rising anxiety.
The routine is followed by a reward. In OCD, we hope that certainty will be attained if we do the compulsion just one more time, but it never does. We just feel more and more anxious.
I've had to relearn that all of life is uncertain. That's just the way it is. Reading Chris Hadfield's autobiography, An Astronaut's Guide to Life, taught me that his kind prepares repeatedly for the worst case scenario, but hope for the best.
So, I re-analyzed my reward. A few years ago, I managed to get the checking down to a certain number of times. I had set goals (number of times I was allowed to check before leaving the house) and I would reward myself with gifts like a new guitar or an mp3 player. This past week, I realized that tangible rewards meant little to me.
I'm really sick of living with OCD and how I've allow it to limit my life in recent years. With the small changes that I've been able to make, I feel like I'm finally getting the combination right and that the door to my cage is opening. I feel like a caged bird getting ready to fly towards freedom. And as I drew this image in my journal, I wrote down that my reward will be confidence, time and freedom.
So now, my cue is still leaving.
My routine is changing. I am eliminating checking certain things altogether and other things, I am only checking once. I remind myself to be very present, being mindful of my actions.
(There are still some things that I check repeatedly, but I find that my list is getting shorter.) Once, I'm ready to walk out and lock the backdoor, I say a little prayer to boost my confidence and start listening to music. In the last week, when I needed to just leave and walk briskly somewhere, I found Annie Lennox's Ghosts in my Machine to be just right.
If you are dealing with OCD, I wish you peace of mind and freedom.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Finally starting to accept uncertainty on a daily basis
I've been working hard over the last few months. I'm participating in a study on overcoming OCD and I've been assigned to cognitive therapy. We spent several weeks analyzing my thoughts and putting things into a hierarchy and now, finally, I'm working on eliminating checking certain things.
I'm no longer "allowed" to check the bathtub to make sure that there is water in it which could cause the kitty to drown should she be so inclined as to jump into a bathtub filled with water.
I'm no longer allowed to touch the stove, the oven nor the outlets for the kettle or the coffee maker. I'm only to glance around the kitchen before leaving the house.
At work, I have to lock up and leave. No double or triple or quadruple checking of cupboard locks, etc.
I've tried in the past to let go and just leave without checking but I couldn't the anxiety would set in. I realized that checking for me might be a bottle of Scotch or cigarettes to someone else. I have to replace checking when I get anxious with another behaviour. I've decided to recite a Bible verse and turn on my music when I walk out the door.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
There is a lot to be said for being here now, being very present while doing things. Being deliberate in one's actions.
Accepting uncertainty is like accepting to grow up. I was fine with uncertainty for most of my life and then when a few too many things happened, it took awhile, but OCD surfaced in a kind of post-traumatic stress way. The checking habit had already ingrained itself so solidly into my routines and psyche that it was too late by the time I realized that it was affecting my life. Suddenly, I realized that I'd unconsciously built a cage around my world in trying to create the illusion of security.
At 51 and almost a half, with some help, a dose of courage, and a lot of self-discipline, I feel as if I've found the combination for the lock on my cage and I'm very close to flinging it open for the first time in years.
I'm no longer "allowed" to check the bathtub to make sure that there is water in it which could cause the kitty to drown should she be so inclined as to jump into a bathtub filled with water.
I'm no longer allowed to touch the stove, the oven nor the outlets for the kettle or the coffee maker. I'm only to glance around the kitchen before leaving the house.
At work, I have to lock up and leave. No double or triple or quadruple checking of cupboard locks, etc.
I've tried in the past to let go and just leave without checking but I couldn't the anxiety would set in. I realized that checking for me might be a bottle of Scotch or cigarettes to someone else. I have to replace checking when I get anxious with another behaviour. I've decided to recite a Bible verse and turn on my music when I walk out the door.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
There is a lot to be said for being here now, being very present while doing things. Being deliberate in one's actions.
Accepting uncertainty is like accepting to grow up. I was fine with uncertainty for most of my life and then when a few too many things happened, it took awhile, but OCD surfaced in a kind of post-traumatic stress way. The checking habit had already ingrained itself so solidly into my routines and psyche that it was too late by the time I realized that it was affecting my life. Suddenly, I realized that I'd unconsciously built a cage around my world in trying to create the illusion of security.
At 51 and almost a half, with some help, a dose of courage, and a lot of self-discipline, I feel as if I've found the combination for the lock on my cage and I'm very close to flinging it open for the first time in years.
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