Setbacks are for learning

I've noticed that I've starting checking things that I'd quit checking. This has happened in the last couple of weeks. What has changed? The purchase of a brand new car? I'm worried about scratching, denting or smashing it up altogether? Is this what is causing anxiety? Next week, I'm heading off to a workshop and 4 day learning session in the woods with a bunch of people I don't know. Will I fit in? Will I be wasting 4 days of vacation? Could this be causing some anxiety? The end of summer vacation is nearing and school will be all engulfing again. Is this causing anxiety?

Reality check

I'm a good and cautious driver so the chances are slim or therefore beyond my control if anything happens to my brand new car. I have good insurance. The thing is that I would feel responsible and I am afraid of disappointing my partner and myself. All of that is triggering some of my lifetraps: unrelenting standards, subjugation, vulnerability. And those are just some of my top lifetraps.

I usually make friends easily so I shouldn't worry about other people at the workshop. I should remember that if I'm interested in others instead of worrying about myself, I should be okay. And as far as wasting my time, well, if nothing else, I'll be learning about forest management and meet new people.

So the summer is coming to and end and people keep asking me when does school start up. It's the same story every summer. I worry that OCD will flare up as I get ready to go back to work. I've come so far and now I'm worrying about OCD. I should really aim my attention at what is causing the anxiety and not the symptoms. I'm anxious about going back to work. Why should I be? I'm successful and well-liked and I enjoy a good reputation. My unrelenting standards often push me to do more than I need to do to perform my duties well. In the last few years, I've been able to work more wisely and be more effective while whittling down the long hours. I know that I must continue to put myself ahead of my work if I want to stay healthy and less anxious. I need to continue to limit the time that I spend working either at school or at home on school relating projects.

I'm also worried about my time with my therapist coming to an end soon. I worry that I'll slip right back into my old checking habits because I won't have to report to her regularly. She's giving me the tools that I need to keep on living my life more freely. It's still a struggle but I need to put everything into practice. I need to look at each of fears head on, educate myself on the chances of my fears becoming a reality and face them.
 
I need to continue to make time for taking in the good so that the good pushes away my worries.
Here are my ways of taking in the good:

reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time

So, I've slipped back into checking. It isn't nearly as bad as it was before I got help but don't want to go back to wasting precious time and working myself into such states of anxiety that I become almost paralyzed and unable to make a move. 

OCD and checking rituals are a lot like your brain is skipping and playing the same thing over and over again like an old LP record. 
 
I mustn't stay stuck but face my fears and continue to push through them. I'm okay right here, right now.  And even if something bad happens, if I survive to live through it, I'll eventually be okay. I have to keep on going. 

I wish you success.