So on Thursday, I was getting ready to leave the house for a field trip to Montreal with 4 classes from school. Since I raise monarch butterflies and share this experience with the students every year, I wanted the kids to experience hundreds of butterflies flying all around them and occasionally landing on them to pose for a pretty picture at the Montreal Botanical Garden.
I wanted everything to be perfect on the trip (control freak) and had prepared photocopies of maps, schedule and who went in which bus for the teachers. I was trying to leave nothing to chance. My anxiety was mounting as I tried to leave the house to go the 400 meters to school.
Round and round I went through the house checking to make sure the cat was in the house, the dryer was off, there were no candles burning in the bathroom, no computers left on in the house, the night life was off and even unplugged, the front door was locked, my Kobo was powered off, the coffee pot and kettle were unplugged and the stove burners were cool and the oven was off.
In the last month, I can usually leave the house after having checked 3 or 4 times, I wish I could write once or twice, but I'd be fibbing to make myself look better in my own eyes.
Thursday morning, I must have gone around a dozen times. I didn't count. I knew that my brain was in overdrive. It was probably red hot. It feels like a record skipping and going over the same bit of song over and over again. My needle is dull. My brain never believes what it sees. My eyes see that everything is OK, but my insecure mind pushes me to check "just one last time" touching everything. I made it to school with about 5 or 10 minutes to spare before the bell went off. I would have liked getting in a bit earlier even though everything was ready for the trip.
The day went well. The kids were enchanted by the animals at the Biodôme and the butterflies fluttering around them in the big greenhouse.
(Just an aside. The first robin just landed in my yard!!)
I don't want to beat myself up when I have a major relapse. I want to keep getting better and so I remind myself constantly to focus on the present. Searching for clues in my past hasn't helped me so far, so I might as well focus on the now instead of worrying about the future and what may happen. I've learned that most of the time we are quite safe in the present and when something bad happens in our lives, it usually comes out of left field and we never saw it coming anyway. So as the good book says worrying won't add a day to my life. Trying to control my life won't help much either.
Eckart Tolle wrote that when something major happens, you either survive it or you don't. Now, that's pretty straight forward.
When I started this blog almost a month ago, I wanted to be over OCD in 31 days. I'm going to have to renew this goal for another month. I don't know if I'll ever be completely over it. I'd really wish for an evangelical rebirth healing of some sort but that in itself would require very little effort on my part. Perhaps, my rebirth will be in going through each new day, each new moment, focusing on what is real in the present moment rather than going to the dark part of my fears and letting my mind go wild on worries like a cotton candy crazed kid in an amusement park.
On this note, I must get out of my purple leopard print fleece jammies and focus on getting the house clean and brunch ready. We've got company coming.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
About to burst through
I read somewhere that it's the holes in lace which renders it beautiful and that the same can be said about the human experience. And that life is constantly spinning from night to day, from darkness to light and that each new day brings its own promise of hope. I also remember reading that Corrie Ten Boom said that life is like a tapestry or a needlepoint, I can't remember but the point was that from down here on Earth all we see are the threads hanging down. From above, the patterns are beautiful.
So, I've lived long enough and had enough knocks to know that life is unpredictable and I may have come to the point where I am actually tired of trying to control it all. Fear and anxiety gets us nowhere. When will I be humble enough to reclaim my faith and admit that I am incapable of controlling anything except my own reaction to what may come?
When I was much younger my life seemed to go in cycles of a couple of years. Now that I'm well into mid-life, it seems that the rhythm has evolved into decades.
I feel like a monarch caterpillar which has been in the opaqueness of its chrysalis and that the membrane has become translucent. I can see the promise of a new era in my life and that all I have to do is act with courage and break through the thin membrane which still traps me in my warm and cozy comfort zone.
I've made gains in the last while about giving up on worrying about little things and going back to check repeatedly on insignificant things.
Eleanor Roosevelt's words helped me on Friday: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
So, I've lived long enough and had enough knocks to know that life is unpredictable and I may have come to the point where I am actually tired of trying to control it all. Fear and anxiety gets us nowhere. When will I be humble enough to reclaim my faith and admit that I am incapable of controlling anything except my own reaction to what may come?
When I was much younger my life seemed to go in cycles of a couple of years. Now that I'm well into mid-life, it seems that the rhythm has evolved into decades.
I feel like a monarch caterpillar which has been in the opaqueness of its chrysalis and that the membrane has become translucent. I can see the promise of a new era in my life and that all I have to do is act with courage and break through the thin membrane which still traps me in my warm and cozy comfort zone.
I've made gains in the last while about giving up on worrying about little things and going back to check repeatedly on insignificant things.
Eleanor Roosevelt's words helped me on Friday: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Some set backs followed by more victories
During March break, there were a few times when I gave in to the anxiety gremlins before leaving the house and went around rechecking stuff around the house before leaving. I felt a bit bummed out about, especialy since I'd started this blog in order to hold myself accountable and get myselfmout of the habit. I've decided that I won't get far by beating myself up.
After reading a passage about vulnerability in Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfections, I was presenteed with an opportunity but was blocking my own participation because of an anxiety issue. I decided to be totally honest and vulnerable and revealed an anxiety trigger. To my great pleasure, everything will work out.
Today, I made it out without too much repetition (3x as opposed to a lot more). No anxiety. Maybe a 1 on a scale of 10. years ago, I remember gettong heart palpitations in similar situations. Today, I was mindful of each step and I was able to leave on time.
In http://zenhabits.net/, Leo Babauta, suggests making tiny changes in order to create a new habit. Well, I'm going to trytiny steps, mindfulness and gratitude to overcome checking. And I'll try not to beat myself up along the way.
After reading a passage about vulnerability in Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfections, I was presenteed with an opportunity but was blocking my own participation because of an anxiety issue. I decided to be totally honest and vulnerable and revealed an anxiety trigger. To my great pleasure, everything will work out.
Today, I made it out without too much repetition (3x as opposed to a lot more). No anxiety. Maybe a 1 on a scale of 10. years ago, I remember gettong heart palpitations in similar situations. Today, I was mindful of each step and I was able to leave on time.
In http://zenhabits.net/, Leo Babauta, suggests making tiny changes in order to create a new habit. Well, I'm going to trytiny steps, mindfulness and gratitude to overcome checking. And I'll try not to beat myself up along the way.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Small victory
I went out twice today. The first time, I don't remember checking anything probably because my partner was at home and I was just going out to do a quick errand and I knew that I would be right back. I was going over to a friend's to bring 2 bags of clothes. I'd sorted through my closets yesterday. I gave away coats, blazers, blouses, skirts and purses. Some of the clothes had hardly or never been worn.
I spent most of the day decluttering, sorting and cleaning out the kitchen and dining area drawers. Plans to go out with friends fell through. One friend came over for a chat and a cup of coffee. I usually go for a swim but I heard that the pool was full of kids from March break so I decided to go for a walk to the grocery store. I only bought what I could bring back in my backpack. That felt satisfying. When I left the house, I didn't check anything despite leaving the coffee maker plugged in (usually a big nono for me), I left the Ipad plugged in and charging (another nono) and I left cored apples simmering on the stove. Once again, I wasn't too worried because my partner was in the adjoining living room.
I didn't check a thing.
That's a huge victory for me.
I've been going through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way since last August. I read in her book that fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.
I spent most of the day decluttering, sorting and cleaning out the kitchen and dining area drawers. Plans to go out with friends fell through. One friend came over for a chat and a cup of coffee. I usually go for a swim but I heard that the pool was full of kids from March break so I decided to go for a walk to the grocery store. I only bought what I could bring back in my backpack. That felt satisfying. When I left the house, I didn't check anything despite leaving the coffee maker plugged in (usually a big nono for me), I left the Ipad plugged in and charging (another nono) and I left cored apples simmering on the stove. Once again, I wasn't too worried because my partner was in the adjoining living room.
I didn't check a thing.
That's a huge victory for me.
I've been going through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way since last August. I read in her book that fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
I left the house and visited my aunt and only checked normal stuff once
I went out while my partner was gone for a walk and I only checked that the dryer was done with its cycle. I'd been doing laundry all day. I checked the stove because I had just been cooking for supper. I also checked that I had turned off my laptop. I knew that the cat was upstairs.
And I left. I didn't remember locking the kitchen door because my hands were full of bags of stuff that I was giving away. I walk back 3 steps and jiggled the door handle lightly. yes, lightly because we had to replace a door handle because I would roughhouse it to make sure that the door was locked.
And I left. I didn't remember locking the kitchen door because my hands were full of bags of stuff that I was giving away. I walk back 3 steps and jiggled the door handle lightly. yes, lightly because we had to replace a door handle because I would roughhouse it to make sure that the door was locked.
I haven't been out of the house yet today...
I finished reading You can buy happiness (and it's cheap) by Tammy Strobel. It's all about simplifying and downsizing.
I've been simplifying for a few years, but I wondered this morning if I paired down possessions if I'd worry less about the contents of the house. I inherited this house and a lot of stuff came with it. Some of it good: nice antiques, pretty dishes, a fantastic Krakauer piano built in 1909 which stays in tune, my grandmother's writings about family history, 90 year old family photo albums, some jewelry.
If I scanned or copied the family history and photos and stored the copies in my safety deposit box, I wouldn't have to worry. If I photographed some of the bigger stuff, then if anything catastrophic ever happened, I'd at least have some memories of the stuff. I know that what I must really do is get unattached to stuff.
I went through some closets this morning and put aside winter and fall coats, dress wool blazers, pretty dress skirts I never wear, blouses, purses, and sheets. I'll offer them to a family member who sometimes goes through my stuff and then hands them off to someone else.
The only reason I haven't left the house yet today was that I did a lot of sorting throughout the house and then decided to correct all of my students compositions and enter their marks so that I'll really be on vacation during this March break.
It's windy, cloudy and cold today, so I didn't feel like going out to ski or snowshoe. I'll make myself go out after I have a bite to eat. My elderly aunt and uncle just moved to another apartment building in assisted living, so I'll go being them a house warming gift. I used to put aside some of the homemade soup and baking I do every Sunday, but now she doesn't have to cook anymore. They get their meals served in a common dining area.
I'll leave the house this evening and let you know how it all went.
I've been simplifying for a few years, but I wondered this morning if I paired down possessions if I'd worry less about the contents of the house. I inherited this house and a lot of stuff came with it. Some of it good: nice antiques, pretty dishes, a fantastic Krakauer piano built in 1909 which stays in tune, my grandmother's writings about family history, 90 year old family photo albums, some jewelry.
If I scanned or copied the family history and photos and stored the copies in my safety deposit box, I wouldn't have to worry. If I photographed some of the bigger stuff, then if anything catastrophic ever happened, I'd at least have some memories of the stuff. I know that what I must really do is get unattached to stuff.
I went through some closets this morning and put aside winter and fall coats, dress wool blazers, pretty dress skirts I never wear, blouses, purses, and sheets. I'll offer them to a family member who sometimes goes through my stuff and then hands them off to someone else.
The only reason I haven't left the house yet today was that I did a lot of sorting throughout the house and then decided to correct all of my students compositions and enter their marks so that I'll really be on vacation during this March break.
It's windy, cloudy and cold today, so I didn't feel like going out to ski or snowshoe. I'll make myself go out after I have a bite to eat. My elderly aunt and uncle just moved to another apartment building in assisted living, so I'll go being them a house warming gift. I used to put aside some of the homemade soup and baking I do every Sunday, but now she doesn't have to cook anymore. They get their meals served in a common dining area.
I'll leave the house this evening and let you know how it all went.
Friday, March 1, 2013
31 days to let go of checking habit
March break
I'm starting a new blog as a challenge to myselfto write more regularly and to get over OCD.
I became aware of OCD in my life in the early to mid 2000s. In 2001, I experienced a lot of stress. Before leaving on a month long trip to Spain, I sensed that something might happen. I wondered if something would go wrong with our flight over the Atlantic. I had lived overseas in my early 30's and I used to travel all the time. My father thought maybe my old cat, Spike, would pass away and we had discussed what he would do if that happened.
My father drove us to the airport in Montreal, came home and passed away suddenly.
I tried phoning him when we got to our apartment hotel in Torremolinos but I kept getting the answering machine. My brother reached us the following day to announce that our father had died at home. Dad, my partner and I lived together and I felt guilty at not having been home when he passed away. It was either a massive stroke or heart attack. I always wondered if I could have saved him.
A few months later in September, my partner became deathly ill and it took 10 months for the doctors to finally suspect vasculitis. I went automatic pilot. I did what I had to do. I spent my time taking care of him at home and later driving into the city to visit him every day after work. I'm a teacher and I would bring my school work with me and do it as he napped in his hospital room. After months of treatments, he was cured. I was wiped.
Now I wonder if along the way, I might have skipped some steps in grief or if I suffered some form of post-traumatic stress.
My mother died from cancer in 1991. She was a larger than life person to me. Her loss propelled towards faith and learning to live by trusting God. I packed up a young Spike and moved to teach on a military base in the Netherlands a few months later.
My father's death and my partner's illness later that same year seemed to have stripped me of my faith. I wanted control. Spike my 17 year old cat and the one constant in my adult life through broken relationships and many moves passed away.
I stopped traveling. I haven't been on a flight anywhere since that fateful trip to Spain in 2001. I've been afraid that my partner would die if I went on vacation some place. Or that the house would burn down.
I think that my checking has been a way to try to control things. I should know better. Life has already thrown me some curve balls.
I've even had trouble going away for weekends or overnight. I tend to call home every day and more than once a day. I've made myself go away for weekends, long weekends, 3 then 5 days seminars.
At some point, I started checking.
I was checking and rechecking things before leaving the house:
1. Is the cat inside?
2. Is the dryer off?
3. Are there any candles lit in the bathroom?
4. Is there water in the bathtub? The cat could drown.
5. Are the computers off in my study?
6. Are the computers off in the living room?
7. Is the the front door locked?
8. Is the coffee maker off and unplugged?
9. Is the kettle unplugged?
10. Is the stove off?
11. Is the oven off?
12. Is the back door locked?
I'm not sure if I wrote about this back then in any of my personal journals, but I estimate that sometime around 2006 is when I noticed that this was a problem. In trying to leave the house, I've checked all of these things up to 12 or 15 times before leaving the house. I've had anxiety attacks in trying to leave the house.
My medical doctor offered to prescribe something. I don't want to take any drugs. I want to overcome this on my own. Or maybe with encouragement from people online if anyone should come across this blog.
I've read 3 or 4 books on getting over OCD. The best has been Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz. But I'm still not cured.
So, I decided that today being March 1st and the start of our March break, that I'd challenge myself to doing everything that I can to get a grip or rather loosen my grip and let go.
I know that eating right affects how you feel. I make all of my own food and eat 95% vegetarian. I swim laps 2 to 3 times a week. Last summer, I let my hair colour go natural to reveal a head of white hair cropped in a short boyish fashion which is a part Ellen Degeneres and part Jamie Lee Curtis.
I started simplifying my life a few years ago and I'm going to keep simplifying if not downsizing per say.
I have a great life. I have many friends. I have a kind life partner who is retired and I have one best friend, the same since kindergarten. We are debt free and have been for many years. I walk 400 metres to teach grade 6 in the school which we both attended and we live in the house where I grew up in a tiny village in the country. There are wide open spaces, hills and forests for snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and hiking out our front door. My friends and I kayak on the mighty Ottawa River just 4 blocks away.
I turned 50 last fall and I feel great.
This morning, I only checked my list once or twice.
I'm starting a new blog as a challenge to myselfto write more regularly and to get over OCD.
I became aware of OCD in my life in the early to mid 2000s. In 2001, I experienced a lot of stress. Before leaving on a month long trip to Spain, I sensed that something might happen. I wondered if something would go wrong with our flight over the Atlantic. I had lived overseas in my early 30's and I used to travel all the time. My father thought maybe my old cat, Spike, would pass away and we had discussed what he would do if that happened.
My father drove us to the airport in Montreal, came home and passed away suddenly.
I tried phoning him when we got to our apartment hotel in Torremolinos but I kept getting the answering machine. My brother reached us the following day to announce that our father had died at home. Dad, my partner and I lived together and I felt guilty at not having been home when he passed away. It was either a massive stroke or heart attack. I always wondered if I could have saved him.
A few months later in September, my partner became deathly ill and it took 10 months for the doctors to finally suspect vasculitis. I went automatic pilot. I did what I had to do. I spent my time taking care of him at home and later driving into the city to visit him every day after work. I'm a teacher and I would bring my school work with me and do it as he napped in his hospital room. After months of treatments, he was cured. I was wiped.
Now I wonder if along the way, I might have skipped some steps in grief or if I suffered some form of post-traumatic stress.
My mother died from cancer in 1991. She was a larger than life person to me. Her loss propelled towards faith and learning to live by trusting God. I packed up a young Spike and moved to teach on a military base in the Netherlands a few months later.
My father's death and my partner's illness later that same year seemed to have stripped me of my faith. I wanted control. Spike my 17 year old cat and the one constant in my adult life through broken relationships and many moves passed away.
I stopped traveling. I haven't been on a flight anywhere since that fateful trip to Spain in 2001. I've been afraid that my partner would die if I went on vacation some place. Or that the house would burn down.
I think that my checking has been a way to try to control things. I should know better. Life has already thrown me some curve balls.
I've even had trouble going away for weekends or overnight. I tend to call home every day and more than once a day. I've made myself go away for weekends, long weekends, 3 then 5 days seminars.
At some point, I started checking.
I was checking and rechecking things before leaving the house:
1. Is the cat inside?
2. Is the dryer off?
3. Are there any candles lit in the bathroom?
4. Is there water in the bathtub? The cat could drown.
5. Are the computers off in my study?
6. Are the computers off in the living room?
7. Is the the front door locked?
8. Is the coffee maker off and unplugged?
9. Is the kettle unplugged?
10. Is the stove off?
11. Is the oven off?
12. Is the back door locked?
I'm not sure if I wrote about this back then in any of my personal journals, but I estimate that sometime around 2006 is when I noticed that this was a problem. In trying to leave the house, I've checked all of these things up to 12 or 15 times before leaving the house. I've had anxiety attacks in trying to leave the house.
My medical doctor offered to prescribe something. I don't want to take any drugs. I want to overcome this on my own. Or maybe with encouragement from people online if anyone should come across this blog.
I've read 3 or 4 books on getting over OCD. The best has been Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz. But I'm still not cured.
So, I decided that today being March 1st and the start of our March break, that I'd challenge myself to doing everything that I can to get a grip or rather loosen my grip and let go.
I know that eating right affects how you feel. I make all of my own food and eat 95% vegetarian. I swim laps 2 to 3 times a week. Last summer, I let my hair colour go natural to reveal a head of white hair cropped in a short boyish fashion which is a part Ellen Degeneres and part Jamie Lee Curtis.
I started simplifying my life a few years ago and I'm going to keep simplifying if not downsizing per say.
I have a great life. I have many friends. I have a kind life partner who is retired and I have one best friend, the same since kindergarten. We are debt free and have been for many years. I walk 400 metres to teach grade 6 in the school which we both attended and we live in the house where I grew up in a tiny village in the country. There are wide open spaces, hills and forests for snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and hiking out our front door. My friends and I kayak on the mighty Ottawa River just 4 blocks away.
I turned 50 last fall and I feel great.
This morning, I only checked my list once or twice.
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