Sunday, May 4, 2014

Success vs mastery in learning to let go and overcome O.C.D.

I've had some successes in letting go and leaving places without checking and going around in circles, but I got down on myself last week because after a stressful event, I tended to revert back to checking certain things, just a wee bit. Enough to take notice.

The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my  inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.

For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.

I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.

When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:

In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?

What are the chances that it could actually happen?

Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?

And then, I have to let go.

So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.

Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.

Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.

Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.

I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.

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