I felt as if I had it altogether a couple of weeks ago. Then, I started to slip into doubt again. Did I really check that? Did I really turn this off? Better check again! Ugh!
I was doing so well. I'm not back to checking a dozen times or more or really getting my brain stuck like an old record needle skipping and playing the same 3 notes over and over and over again. Now, I can usually kickstart myself out of a checking funk after 1 or 2 goes. That's still too much for me. I'm getting impatient with myself and my progress because I see now that I could live a life with more freedom, confidence and free time. I'm so close and yet...
My restless mind believes that I should be down to checking only 3 essential things before leaving:
1. Is the cat inside?
2. Is the front door locked?
3.
Casually, glance around the kitchen before heading out the back door.
Simple, huh? You would think so.
I'm still checking the upstairs electrical outlets and nightlight but I kid myself into believeing that I'm not really checking them because I no longer do it with my coat on and my keys in my hand just before leaving. I'm doing it as I brush my teeth upstairs after breakfast. I could brush my teeth in the downstairs bathroom, but I don't. Maybe, I need to change that habit this week.
I no longer empty out the dryer lint except for when I'm actually using the dryer. But, somehow, in the mornings before leaving, I find myself in the laundry room
gazing at the blasted dryer when I get my coat out of the closet. I should move my coat to another closet far away from the laundry room.
I no longer empty the inch of water left in the bathtub because the cat prefers drinking there than from her bowl in the kitchen. I'm pretty convinced that she can't drown herself in there, but I do walk by the bathroom door telling myself that I no longer allow myself to check it. Rituals, anyone?
I no longer unplug my laptop in my home office, but I still turn off the power bar. Do you see any logic in that?
So, that's where I'm at this week and have been for the last couple of weeks.
I need to look at what might have made me anxious lately.
I have a student teacher in my classroom. She's fine, but I realize that it does change things. I enjoy sharing my experience, but this also means that my days are much longer because of all of the sharing which takes place after the kids have left and I still need to do my day to day preparations and such. I've been getting home much later and not eating as well as usual.
For example, Thursday, I arrived home around 5:50 but corrected and did planning until almost 9pm. I had nothing much left to eat by the end of the week and ended up eating Quaker Harvest Crunch powdery crumbs from the bottom of the box with Soya milk before lugging myself up to bed. I usually have a lot of homemade healthy meals made ahead of time. I just need to be better prepared this week.
I usually see someone on Mondays about this letting go and going with the flow journey, but she's away until April 7th. I'm wondering if I'm somehow slacking off because I don't have to be held accountible for my behaviour except to myself. I need to respect myself more.
This week, I will not doubt myself because even if I forgot to check something, chances are that everything would be okay just the same. Logically, I know that the chances of something
bad happening are incredibly slim and I also know that I can't really control anything or save my world by staring down electrical outlets and dealing with dryer fuzz.
So what if something
bad did happen? What then? I'd have no choice but to deal with it. I can still choose to be happy no matter what.
I don't know a thing about surfing or sailing, but I used to do a bit of white water kayaking. You learn to read the river with its currents and rocks. Most of the time, you can see a safe way down. You can get into rough water, but you can't fight its force. You have to learn to use it to your advantage and learn to go with the flow. Often in kayaking, you have to do what is opposite to human nature. For example, if your boat gets stuck up against an inanimate object like a rock, instead of leaning away from it to get away, you "hug" the obstacle. Leaning into the problem, causes your boat's underside to be exposed and catch the water and you're eventually carried away to safety.
Sometimes in life, we have to lean into events even when they are not what we wished for, in order for life to carry us through. Otherwise we end up stuck. I must have tried to lean away from difficult situations instead of accepting them, feeling the accompanying emotions and letting them flow through me.
If you find yourself upside down strapped into your kayak, human nature would have you stick your head out first A.S.A.P.. Wrong! If you do that, you will roll back under water, tire yourself out by trying the same thing over and over again. That would be bad news.
You need to
roll your center of gravity (your belly-button) towards the sky in order to get your kayak to roll upright...then you can bring your head up and gasp for air. In the last decade, I forgot to roll my boat and belly-button up before coming up for air. Consequently, I've spent the last few years upside down in and thrashing around in panic mode.
I think that when my Dad died suddenly and my partner was deathly ill for
the better part of the same and following year, I must have leaned away from those experiences (non-acceptance) and that caused my boat (perspective) to flip over.
Being a bit of a perfectionist, I must have wanted to perform normally right away. Consequently, I just kept flipping over. I think that trying to control things by checking was a behaviour which became a habit and
thing surreptitiously. I never set out to convince myself that by checking things over and over a zillion times that I could actually control fate. It just happened.
Finally, there are times when it's safest to portage. I hate portaging! It's like having to ask for help. I'm so lousy at portaging (picture weak ankles on slippery rocks) that I always have to ask my friends to help me carry my gear and kayak. Portaging and asking for help can be tough on the old ego. So be it!
When was the last time ego ever did something for me instead of itself?
I really need to let go.
