All I really need to know I learned from my journey through OCD.

Do what needs to be done right now.

Forget the rest.

Be okay right here, right now.

Lean into what is going on around and inside of me right now. 

Sit and smile.

Know that even when things go wrong, that most often, I'm usually okay anyway.

Set attainable goals.

Celebrate baby steps as much as GIANT steps.

Avoid pressuring myself to get over OCD and anxiety within a certain time frame.

Stop trying to please everyone.

Be good to myself and to others without forgetting myself.

Abstain from wanting what I don't already have (things, people, lifestyle, etc.).

Accept that this is part of my journey.

Enjoy little moments as much as big moments.

Enthuse when possible.

Share my passion. 

Focus on gratitude.

I have recently been able to leave the house with the computer and TV on, the coffee maker and nightlight plugged in and the washing machine doing it's thing and when I came back the house was still standing and the cat hadn't escaped. So there. Take that OCD!

I am slowly learning that I don't have to be always be hyper-vigilant and that I am not totally vulnerable or always in danger of something terrible happening.

I have also decided not to put pressure on myself to prove to myself that I can still travel. I'm basically a sloth when I'm not at work or without a mission so I'm going to stop researching trips and maxing out my anxiety levels over travel plans and leaving home. For now, I've decided that I'll travel when an opportunity comes up.

I'll focus on taking in the good as Dr. Rick Hanson says.

My ways of taking in the good:

reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time



I wish you peace and success in your journey.

Success vs mastery in learning to let go and overcome O.C.D.

I've had some successes in letting go and leaving places without checking and going around in circles, but I got down on myself last week because after a stressful event, I tended to revert back to checking certain things, just a wee bit. Enough to take notice.

The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my  inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.

For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.

I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.

When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:

In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?

What are the chances that it could actually happen?

Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?

And then, I have to let go.

So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.

Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.

Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.

Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.

I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.

A shift in perspective

I can feel something shifting in me. This morning was the first morning in ages that I've woken up and not felt a sense of dread or anxiety upon opening my eyes before greeting a new day.

I've been practicing cardiac coherence or coherent breathing 2 to 3 times a day 5 minutes each time: morning, midday and before bed time. Perhaps, that combined with a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy is changing the way I perceive things, the way I think, act and finally my habits.

Friday, I actually came home to find that I had forgotten to check the computer's power bar and the house hadn't burned down to the ground.

So today, as I left the house to go swim, then go grocery shopping and later to a kiddy birthday party, I purposefully left the power bar on, turned on the power bar for my guitar amp and left the TV on. These are all things that I never do. Again, I came home to find that the house was still standing.

So, O.C.D. seems to be getting tamed after almost a decade of suffering. The last step for me is getting over travel anxiety. I used to travel a lot and most often on my own or joining others at a rendez-vous point overseas. After tragic events described earlier in this blog, I stopped traveling cold turkey. I haven't been able to get up in the saddle since.

Recent attempts at booking a vacation turned out to be an experience in mismatched expectations and I began get stressed out by the whole process and I backed out. It didn't feel right but I figured that it was just my anxiety screaming at me again. I felt disappointed in myself and I felt as if I had failed.

I have not failed. I have just found 10 000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

I was even scared of telling my therapist last week that I hadn't booked a flight and hotel somewhere. I described the situation and she understood and supported me. I told her that I haven't decided against going away, but maybe I wouldn't make plans so far ahead and just stay open to possibilities.

Mindfulness is teaching me not to have expectations and to live this moment fully. A few minutes ago, I mentioned to family that I was thinking of buying a tent in case I want to go camping this summer. As I walked past their garage, I was offered the same kind of tent I was hoping to buy and lessons in how to put it up.

So maybe not stressing about planning is a good way for me to go on about my life right now.

Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99I have not failed. I have

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

Revisualizing how I see myself

View chez moi et ailleurs in a larger map

Part of learning to let go is learning to let go of my attachment to home, partner and perceived safety and certainty. I decided to make some handy copies of pictures of myself of when I used to travel without a care in the world. I never worried if anything would happen to friends or loved ones while I was working overseas and traveling regularly. So, why have I been so consumed with fear about leaving home for the past decade?

Yeah, I was younger. I didn't own a home. I didn't have a life partner. I did have a cat. I still had my original hair colour. Was I oblivious? No, I just think that curiosity and living around adventurous people helped quite a bit. I'm going to carry around some photos of those careless days in the hopes of remaking my self-image.

Update on this week's homework

I managed to accomplish all of my homework.
I lit a candle every day, let it burn out and resisted any urges to put it outside afterwards.
I resisted checking the water in the bathtub before leaving the house.
I resisted unplugging the nightlight when leaving the house.
I only glanced around the kitchen before leaving.

Writing about those urges almost feels foreign after a week and my list of things to check has gone down. I find that I trust myself more. For example, I ironed 6 shirts today. I don't like ironing and don't do it often. Maybe, just maybe, I avoid ironing because then I have to deal with wondering whether the iron is shut off and unplugged. Today, I let it cool and put it away before meeting friends for a walk and that was that. I didn't go back to check it before leaving and I didn't obsess about it or anything else before leaving or while out.

I feel good about that. I go back to work tomorrow. I have to stay disciplined and keep it up.
 

Bird in a cage

This image shows how I feel these days. I'm still in my cage but the door is open. I feel as if I now have the keys to freedom. All I need to do is find the courage to fly. I flutter my wings without leaving the cage, but I can feel it coming. I'll just fly onto a nearby branch within easy distance of the cage. Someday, I might try flying to a different tree in the forest. Wouldn't that be grand?

One day without checking!!

I did it. I went all of yesterday without checking a thing. I went out twice and left without looping around the house to check whether the cat was in, the dryer was off, the stove was off, the oven was cool, the computers were off and unplugged, etc.

How incredibly liberating!!

I'm going to try to do it again today.

books for learning to let go

Here are a list of books that have helped me on my journey.

Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

Daring greatly by Brené Brown

The gift of imperfection by Brené Brown

An astronaut's guide to life by Chris Hadfield

A return to love by Marianne Williamson


I also enjoy reading Zen Habits by Leo Babauta

Ocd letting go: my homework

This week, I am NOT checking the bathroom or bathtub and only glancing briefly around the kitchen before leaving. I also must leave the nightlight plugged in and burn 1 candle per day and leave the candle in the holder to cool.

My partner leaves a wee bit of water in the bathtub because our fat cat likes jumping into the mostly empty tub and drink water as if it were a puddle after the rain. I developed a fear of her drowning. 

I used to make sure the bathtub was empty and that no candles were burning in the dowstairs bathroom before leaving. I no longer leave any candles in the downstairs bathroom. I would put outside on the veranda. No logic. There is never any logic with OCD.  Never mind the fact that I have a huge decorative lantern in the upstairs bathroom with a candle in it. For some reason, I have never feared that one causing a fire. Maybe because I hardly ever light it.

Until very recently, I used to touch the burners on the stove and the element in the stove several times. I also used to touch the electrical sockets to "make sure" that the kettle and coffee machine were Okay.

Before modifying my behaviour, we had to get my brain to start modifying its thought process which is the cognitive part of the therapy. I had to analyze and rate my thoughts and emotions for frequecy and for intensity on a scale of 1 to 100 over a few weeks.

Over the last few years my brain had slipped into the following cognitive errors or distorsions:
Intolerance of uncertainty
Oerestimation of threat
Overestimation of responsibility
Intolerance of anxiety
Emotional reasoning ( you assume that danger is imminent based simply on the fact that you are feeling anxious)
Significance of thoughts (likelyood of thought action fusion)

There are other cognitive errors tormenting other poor souls out there, but those were which I recognized in my thought patterns.

For each of my obsessions, I had to answer the following 7 questions:

1. What am I basing my assumptions upon?
2. What evidence contradicts my thoughts (obsessions)?
3. Are my sources trustworthy?
4. What's my hypothesis? (Either, the thing is off/unplugged or it's not.)
5. What would I tell someone who was acting like me?
6. What if IT happened? What would I do in the worst case scenario?
7. If someone is holding a gun to my head, that would rate 100 on the danger scale. From 1 to 100, how would I rate the thing that I'm obsessing about?

I haven't eliminated everything yet, but I am making progress.

Some things don't bother me anymore. For example, I really don't think my huge cat could drown if for some reason there was water left in the bathtub. She has never jumped up onto the side of the tub when it's been full. And I no longer think that leaving a nightlight plugged will necessarily start a house fire.

I am learning to trust my senses more. I am no longer touching things to make sure that they are off or unplugged.

I read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg last week. Not all of it was helpful or pertinent to getting over OCD, but I was able to make a few links between my process and how habits work.

There is always a cue. For me, the cue is leaving. Leaving home, work or even parking the car.

The cue is followed by a routine or what we do (a certain behaviour). For me, it was checking things repeatedly with rising anxiety.

The routine is followed by a reward. In OCD, we hope that certainty will be attained if we do the compulsion just one more time, but it never does. We just feel more and more anxious.

I've had to relearn that all of life is uncertain. That's just the way it is. Reading Chris Hadfield's autobiography, An Astronaut's Guide to Life, taught me that his kind prepares repeatedly for the worst case scenario, but hope for the best.

So, I re-analyzed my reward. A few years ago, I managed to get the checking down to a certain number of times. I had set goals (number of times I was allowed to check before leaving the house) and I would reward myself with gifts like a new guitar or an mp3 player. This past week, I realized that tangible rewards meant little to me.

I'm really sick of living with OCD and how I've allow it to limit my life in recent years. With the small changes that I've been able to make, I feel like I'm finally getting the combination right and that the door to my cage is opening. I feel like a caged bird getting ready to fly towards freedom. And as I drew this image in my journal, I wrote down that my reward will be confidence, time and freedom.

So now, my cue is still leaving.
My routine is changing. I am eliminating checking certain things altogether and other things, I am only checking once. I remind myself to be very present, being mindful of my actions.

(There are still some things that I check repeatedly, but  I find that my list is getting shorter.) Once, I'm ready to walk out and lock the backdoor, I say a little prayer to boost my confidence and start listening to music. In the last week, when I needed to just leave and walk briskly somewhere, I found Annie Lennox's Ghosts in my Machine to be just right.

And my reward is more and more confidence, time and freedom.

If you are dealing with OCD, I wish you peace of mind and freedom.

Non attachement, OCD, gratitude and letting go.

It finally clicked. From being a student of the Bible for years to studying Buddhism, it took Steve Godin's Linchpin to get me to understand the importance of non-attachement.

When I lived overseas, I had no expectations. Life was a constant adventure. I was starting over. I had no choice but to accept whatever came up. I was flexible and I rolled with the punches. I felt as if I had lost everything which precipitated my move to the Netherlands, that I had nothing to lose and I wanted to trust in...God, the Lord, Life Force, Spirit, call it what you want.

Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm

When I returned home,  life was so good here, that I see now how I became attached to my home, my surroundings, the people who populated my life (usually a very good thing) , my work, my job location (just a few yards from the house).

If and when something threatened to upset the life I had created for myself here, I became stressed and inflexible. I focused all of my attention on safeguarding the status quo instead of accepting that life happens and that sometimes circumstances change. Somewhere along the way OCD kicked in.

So what can I learn from all of this?

I know that I don't want to live this decade (my fifties) like I lived the last one.

Now, when I feel that I'm about to go in circles checking things, I tell myself that I'd rather be doing my art than OCDing. It helps me shift out of brainlock sooner.

Keeping a gratitude list is also helpful, but only if you take away the focus from being attached to the things for which you are grateful. Life can turn on a dime. All I can do is prepare as best as I can without going overboard, keep on cultivating a spirit of trust and gratitude in all circumstances.

Relearn to accept
Give thanks
Enjoy
Be flexible
Be enthusiastic
Give praise and love

Coming along fine...

I'm relearning to accept fear and uncertainty as part of life again. I'm so much calmer. Sure, I still go around checking stuff in the house and in my classroom before locking and leaving, but I don't feel the same awful anxiety that I used to in the past few years. I know that I am a very responsible person and that something happening because of my own negligence is highly unlikely.

I'm going for a walk to do some errands in the village and I have the intention of leaving the computer plugged in and the Ipad in sleep mode. I know that no amount of checking, especially repetitive checking, will change the outcome.

As Gabrielle Berstein writes in May Cause Miracles, choose love over fear.

Physically, I've cut out meat in the last six months. I've been polite and eaten meat that friends or relatives have prepared and I've prepared meat dishes when having carnivores over for dinner or lunch, but I haven't bought meat in months.

I never much liked eating meat, so it hasn't been difficult to cut it out of my meals. It seems effortless for me to create meals mostly out of fruits and veggies, legumes and grains. Second nature really. I only eat what I prepare myself and can pronounce. Whole foods. I've been headed that way for a few years now. I only use milk for coffee (which I haven't cut out...yet) and for baking. I add non-fat greek yogourt to fresh fruit smoothies. I drink soya and almond milk. I eat eggs once or twice a week.

I swim 3 to 4 times a week. I aim for 50 laps but sometimes I swim without counting or paddle along friends who use flotation devices.

I don't remember ever feeling as good and I'm 50. Sure, every once in awhile I'll be aware of a hip, a knee, a finger joint, but as far as general health, I feel great.

The biggest encouragement I got this week was that the change was immediately noticeable to my g.p. during my annual physical. I'd revealed to him about 3 years ago that I suffered from OCD. It doesn't seem to have the hold on me that it did for a few years. I can feel it dissolve. I wish that it was like a wart and that I could put some duct tape on it, forget about it and it would just disappear.

Breathing and being present also helps. Being here and now. Just walking away...after checking a couple of times. Maybe someday soon, I'll be able to check normal stuff once and leave.
Soon.