Success vs mastery in learning to let go and overcome O.C.D.

I've had some successes in letting go and leaving places without checking and going around in circles, but I got down on myself last week because after a stressful event, I tended to revert back to checking certain things, just a wee bit. Enough to take notice.

The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my  inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.

For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.

I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.

When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:

In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?

What are the chances that it could actually happen?

Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?

And then, I have to let go.

So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.

Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.

Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.

Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.

I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.

A shift in perspective

I can feel something shifting in me. This morning was the first morning in ages that I've woken up and not felt a sense of dread or anxiety upon opening my eyes before greeting a new day.

I've been practicing cardiac coherence or coherent breathing 2 to 3 times a day 5 minutes each time: morning, midday and before bed time. Perhaps, that combined with a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy is changing the way I perceive things, the way I think, act and finally my habits.

Friday, I actually came home to find that I had forgotten to check the computer's power bar and the house hadn't burned down to the ground.

So today, as I left the house to go swim, then go grocery shopping and later to a kiddy birthday party, I purposefully left the power bar on, turned on the power bar for my guitar amp and left the TV on. These are all things that I never do. Again, I came home to find that the house was still standing.

So, O.C.D. seems to be getting tamed after almost a decade of suffering. The last step for me is getting over travel anxiety. I used to travel a lot and most often on my own or joining others at a rendez-vous point overseas. After tragic events described earlier in this blog, I stopped traveling cold turkey. I haven't been able to get up in the saddle since.

Recent attempts at booking a vacation turned out to be an experience in mismatched expectations and I began get stressed out by the whole process and I backed out. It didn't feel right but I figured that it was just my anxiety screaming at me again. I felt disappointed in myself and I felt as if I had failed.

I have not failed. I have just found 10 000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

I was even scared of telling my therapist last week that I hadn't booked a flight and hotel somewhere. I described the situation and she understood and supported me. I told her that I haven't decided against going away, but maybe I wouldn't make plans so far ahead and just stay open to possibilities.

Mindfulness is teaching me not to have expectations and to live this moment fully. A few minutes ago, I mentioned to family that I was thinking of buying a tent in case I want to go camping this summer. As I walked past their garage, I was offered the same kind of tent I was hoping to buy and lessons in how to put it up.

So maybe not stressing about planning is a good way for me to go on about my life right now.

Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99I have not failed. I have

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

2 weeks without checking!!

"You should be experiencing the life that is happening to you, not the one you wish was happening...Don't waste a moment of trying to make other things happen; appreciate the moments you are given. ..Every minute, you're a step closer to death."

Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've overly checked anything. I've even forgotten to turn off lights in the kitchen or left my phone at home. Nothing important.

I feel liberated.

I check the front door, the cat and I scan the kitchen. Then, I leave. I've hardly checked any of the other things which used to get me going in circles for long agonizing minutes before leaving to go literally anywhere.

How have I done this?

With help.

The process took a few months of reprogramming how I thought about things and honestly looking at what was dangerous, what isn't, in what circumstances something bad could happen, and to what degree each fear was actually dangerous on a scale from 0 to 100. (A hundred being a gun to your head.)

I've had to learn to, well, let go.

I have had to relearn to accept:

-that I am not, never was and never will be in control of life's events

-that I'm not responsible for most of the stuff for which I have felt guilt and shame

-that things happen and you and I will just have to deal with it the best we can

-that at some point you have to move on or you just stay stuck

-that living life involves risk and that it is possible to gauge risk in a reasonable way

-that  living in a state of fear is a tremendous waste of energy and it becomes a full time project

-that life must be lived in balance and that I must not participate in the extremes of life but let the pendulum come to rest in the middle


"You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be...Life happens, you're there, but you don't make it happen. There is no stress, there is no burden.

Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul


I'm also learning to create healthy habits that I can rest upon when the doubting gremlins try to get a hold of my mind. 


Being fully present in space and time helps me be grounded yet at times somewhat detached even in the most stressful events. When my mind wanders, and it does, I gently bring myself back to now and the task at hand whether it be preparing a salad to swimming laps and making my movements as efficient and economical as possible.

I've practiced gratitude for years now, but learning to combine gratitude with being fully present and being grateful for this moment, here and now, has somehow made a significant shift in my perception. It's like that synergistic state of mind leading up to impact when driving a perfect golf shot. Your whole being, mind and body, is focusing and working together with laser beam accuracy on one precise moment.I quit playing golf over a decade ago because I started being extremely competitive and unkind with myself, but I remember that perfect moment of impact as absolutely priceless.




This week, I was involved in and witness a sudden crisis event which evolved over about 90 minutes. I felt totally present and aware of each passing moment during that crisis and was able to do what was needed while we waited for help to arrive. I also remember feeling like an observer. I was fully present yet somehow detached. I was in the eye of the storm in a state of calmness and I knew that no matter how bad things got, that time would propel all of those involved in the crisis to eventually move on. For some, that would be sooner than later. For others, it could be a long road ahead.

But that's it isn't it? It's all about the journey. The destination can be beautiful and exciting, but really, it's the journey which makes it all memorable. I've wondered for a long time why my life took the detour into O.C.D. and anxiety, but I guess one could wonder why anything happens.

This is part of my journey. I might as well accept it and learn from it. And if sharing about this struggle is helpful to anyone else, well, I guess it was all worth it.

Perfectionist, you say?

I felt as if I had it altogether a couple of weeks ago. Then, I started to slip into doubt again. Did I really check that? Did I really turn this off? Better check again! Ugh!

I was doing so well. I'm not back to checking a dozen times or more or really getting my brain stuck like an old record needle skipping and playing the same 3 notes over and over and over again. Now, I can usually kickstart myself out of a checking funk after 1 or 2 goes. That's still too much for me. I'm getting impatient with myself and my progress because I see now that I could live a life with more freedom, confidence and free time. I'm so close and yet...

My restless mind believes that I should be down to checking only 3 essential things before leaving:

1. Is the cat inside?
2. Is the front door locked?
3. Casually, glance around the kitchen before heading out the back door.

Simple, huh? You would think so.

I'm still checking the upstairs electrical outlets and nightlight but I kid myself into believeing that I'm not really checking them because I no longer do it with my coat on and my keys in my hand just before leaving. I'm doing it as I brush my teeth upstairs after breakfast. I could brush my teeth in the downstairs bathroom, but I don't. Maybe, I need to change that habit this week.

I no longer empty out the dryer lint except for when I'm actually using the dryer. But, somehow, in the mornings before leaving, I find myself in the laundry room gazing at the blasted dryer when I get my coat out of the closet. I should move my coat to another closet far away from the laundry room.

I no longer empty the inch of water left in the bathtub because the cat prefers drinking there than from her bowl in the kitchen. I'm pretty convinced that she can't drown herself in there, but I do walk by the bathroom door telling myself that I no longer allow myself to check it. Rituals, anyone?

I no longer unplug my laptop in my home office, but I still turn off the power bar. Do you see any logic in that?

So, that's where I'm at this week and have been for the last couple of weeks.

I need to look at what might have made me anxious lately.

I have a student teacher in my classroom. She's fine, but I realize that it does change things. I enjoy sharing my experience, but this also means that my days are much longer because of all of the sharing which takes place after the kids have left and I still need to do my day to day preparations and such. I've been getting home much later and not eating as well as usual.

For example, Thursday, I arrived home around 5:50 but corrected and did planning until almost 9pm. I had nothing much left to eat by the end of the week and ended up eating Quaker Harvest Crunch powdery crumbs from the bottom of the box with Soya milk before lugging myself up to bed. I usually have a lot of homemade healthy meals made ahead of time. I just need to be better prepared this week.

I usually see someone on Mondays about this letting go and going with the flow journey, but she's away until April 7th. I'm wondering if I'm somehow slacking off  because I don't have to be held accountible for my behaviour except to myself. I need to respect myself more.


This week, I will not doubt myself because even if I forgot to check something, chances are that everything would be okay just the same. Logically, I know that the chances of something bad happening are incredibly slim and I also know that I can't really control anything or save my world by staring down electrical outlets and dealing with dryer fuzz.

So what if something bad  did happen? What then? I'd have no choice but to deal with it. I can still choose to be happy no matter what.

I don't know a thing about surfing or sailing, but I used to do a bit of white water kayaking. You learn to read the river with its currents and rocks. Most of the time, you can see a safe way down. You can  get into rough water, but you can't fight its force. You have to learn to use it to your advantage and learn to go with the flow. Often in kayaking, you have to do what is opposite to human nature. For example, if your boat gets stuck up against an inanimate object like a rock, instead of leaning away from it to get away, you "hug" the obstacle. Leaning into the problem, causes your boat's underside to be exposed and catch the water and you're eventually carried away to safety.

Sometimes in life, we have to lean into events even when they are not what we wished for, in order for life to carry us through. Otherwise we end up stuck. I must have tried to lean away from difficult situations instead of accepting them, feeling the accompanying emotions and letting them flow through me.

If you find yourself upside down strapped into your kayak, human nature would have you stick your head out first A.S.A.P.. Wrong! If you do that, you will roll back under water,  tire yourself out by trying the same thing over and over again. That would be bad news.

You need to  roll your center of gravity (your belly-button) towards the sky in order to get your kayak to roll upright...then you can bring your head up and gasp for air. In the last decade, I forgot to roll my boat and belly-button up before coming up for air. Consequently, I've spent the last few years upside down in and thrashing around in panic mode.

I think that when my Dad died suddenly and my partner was deathly ill for the better part of the same and following year, I must have leaned away from those experiences (non-acceptance) and that caused my boat (perspective) to flip over.

 Being a bit of a perfectionist, I must have wanted to perform normally right away. Consequently, I just kept flipping over. I think that trying to control things by checking was a behaviour which became a habit and thing surreptitiously. I never set out to convince myself that by checking things over and over a zillion times that I could actually control fate. It just happened.

Finally, there are times when it's safest to portage. I hate portaging! It's like having to ask for help. I'm so lousy at portaging (picture weak ankles on slippery rocks) that I always have to ask my friends to help me carry my gear and kayak. Portaging and asking for help can be tough on the old ego. So be it!
When was the last time ego ever did something for me instead of itself?

I really need to let go.

Revisualizing how I see myself

View chez moi et ailleurs in a larger map

Part of learning to let go is learning to let go of my attachment to home, partner and perceived safety and certainty. I decided to make some handy copies of pictures of myself of when I used to travel without a care in the world. I never worried if anything would happen to friends or loved ones while I was working overseas and traveling regularly. So, why have I been so consumed with fear about leaving home for the past decade?

Yeah, I was younger. I didn't own a home. I didn't have a life partner. I did have a cat. I still had my original hair colour. Was I oblivious? No, I just think that curiosity and living around adventurous people helped quite a bit. I'm going to carry around some photos of those careless days in the hopes of remaking my self-image.

Update on this week's homework

I managed to accomplish all of my homework.
I lit a candle every day, let it burn out and resisted any urges to put it outside afterwards.
I resisted checking the water in the bathtub before leaving the house.
I resisted unplugging the nightlight when leaving the house.
I only glanced around the kitchen before leaving.

Writing about those urges almost feels foreign after a week and my list of things to check has gone down. I find that I trust myself more. For example, I ironed 6 shirts today. I don't like ironing and don't do it often. Maybe, just maybe, I avoid ironing because then I have to deal with wondering whether the iron is shut off and unplugged. Today, I let it cool and put it away before meeting friends for a walk and that was that. I didn't go back to check it before leaving and I didn't obsess about it or anything else before leaving or while out.

I feel good about that. I go back to work tomorrow. I have to stay disciplined and keep it up.
 

Bird in a cage

This image shows how I feel these days. I'm still in my cage but the door is open. I feel as if I now have the keys to freedom. All I need to do is find the courage to fly. I flutter my wings without leaving the cage, but I can feel it coming. I'll just fly onto a nearby branch within easy distance of the cage. Someday, I might try flying to a different tree in the forest. Wouldn't that be grand?

Almost perfect

I almost made through the day going in and out without checking until I left the house for the evening. I hadn't checked a thing knowing full well that there was nothing "dangerous" left on. I didn't even make it a block when I turned back to check on a power bar that I had left on earlier in the day to charge a laptop. It was off alright. I felt bad about giving in, but I tried not to beat myself too badly.

I guess that there will be ups and downs as I get better. How I wished that it would just go away, but it took awhile to get a hold of me so I guess that I should be patient in healing my broken brain. Sometimes broken bones need to be reset. I guess broken brains deserve a few chances to get rewired in their thought processes.