I'm relearning to accept fear and uncertainty as part of life again. I'm so much calmer. Sure, I still go around checking stuff in the house and in my classroom before locking and leaving, but I don't feel the same awful anxiety that I used to in the past few years. I know that I am a very responsible person and that something happening because of my own negligence is highly unlikely.
I'm going for a walk to do some errands in the village and I have the intention of leaving the computer plugged in and the Ipad in sleep mode. I know that no amount of checking, especially repetitive checking, will change the outcome.
As Gabrielle Berstein writes in May Cause Miracles, choose love over fear.
Physically, I've cut out meat in the last six months. I've been polite and eaten meat that friends or relatives have prepared and I've prepared meat dishes when having carnivores over for dinner or lunch, but I haven't bought meat in months.
I never much liked eating meat, so it hasn't been difficult to cut it out of my meals. It seems effortless for me to create meals mostly out of fruits and veggies, legumes and grains. Second nature really. I only eat what I prepare myself and can pronounce. Whole foods. I've been headed that way for a few years now. I only use milk for coffee (which I haven't cut out...yet) and for baking. I add non-fat greek yogourt to fresh fruit smoothies. I drink soya and almond milk. I eat eggs once or twice a week.
I swim 3 to 4 times a week. I aim for 50 laps but sometimes I swim without counting or paddle along friends who use flotation devices.
I don't remember ever feeling as good and I'm 50. Sure, every once in awhile I'll be aware of a hip, a knee, a finger joint, but as far as general health, I feel great.
The biggest encouragement I got this week was that the change was immediately noticeable to my g.p. during my annual physical. I'd revealed to him about 3 years ago that I suffered from OCD. It doesn't seem to have the hold on me that it did for a few years. I can feel it dissolve. I wish that it was like a wart and that I could put some duct tape on it, forget about it and it would just disappear.
Breathing and being present also helps. Being here and now. Just walking away...after checking a couple of times. Maybe someday soon, I'll be able to check normal stuff once and leave.
Soon.
