Breaking free

Fourteen years in a cage.

The door was opened last year, but this bird had not yet ventured from her cage. Like a dog who doesn't know that the hydro is out and and is still afraid to cross the imaginary boundary of the electric fence.

Fort-eight hours before breaking free, I suppressed a sense of dread and panic. Something will happen at home if I leave, the planes will crash, there will be a terror attack, I'm not strong enough and really, my box is quite comfy now.

I pushed on. I charged on and crashed through the wall.

I haven't updated this blog in months. Things aren't perfect. Sometimes, I still check some of the same things a couple of times before going off on a micro adventure and yet other things that I used to check have been all but forgotten.

Seven months ago, I pushed myself to the limit by booking a trip and a flight to Newfoundland. I had no idea until we left for the airport a couple of weeks ago, if I was actually going to go through with this big adventure. My first in years.


So now, in order to catch up and maybe publish a conclusion to this journey, I've going to cheat and paste what I wrote in one of my other blogs.

View from Grandma's house, Woody Point, Newfoundland

I had awaken to go to the bathroom because I'd decided to have two Iceberg beers that evening instead of just the one. As I lay back down in my room with a view of the South Arm of Bonne Bay, despite having to be up around 6 am to get myself ready for another full day of activities with Wild Women Expeditions, I didn't worry about not getting enough sleep. I lay there content in knowing even though I was wide awake in the middle of the night and might not fall back asleep, my heart was full of JOY because I was wide awake in the middle of the night in Woody Point, Newfoundland!!

Let me explain. My last big trip involving air travel was tragic because my Dad died suddenly at home upon returning from driving us to the Montreal airport. A series of events which followed this huge blow triggered anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome and full blown O.C.D. (no laughing matter when it keeps you in a state of reptilian hyper alertness, or like Dr Johnny Fever from W.K.R.P. IN Cincinnati once said: "When everyone is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.").

It took a few years for these ills to manifest, but they managed to keep their claws dug into me for almost a decade. I finally found the right kind of help in 2013-2014 and was ready to once again spread my wings. I chose Wild Women Expeditions and their Iceberg and arts tour both as a goal, a challenge and a celebration.

Here is what I wrote as a review on their Facebook page:

Highlight this week? Freedom!
Let me explain. With the small community created by Katie Broadhurst and Jenny Martindale and our Wild Women group, I learned to fly again. I'd put myself in a cage, shut the door and lost the key a few years ago. With help last year, I'd found a new key, more like a combination to the lock, I'd managed to open the door,but I'd still been afraid to fly out. Each one of my Wild Women Sisters, each with their own baggage and lovely, quirky, authentic selves helped me to feel safe enough to embrace the present and let go of the past. So what was the highlight for me? Each and every moment being right there in magnificent Newfoundland, in the present, in movement or in stillness, that was my highlight! I don't know if any other travel outfit can achieve this!! This trip was everything I'd dreamed of and so much more. Thank you Wild Women Expeditions!!!
Thank you, my wonderful Wild Women Icebergs and Arts Tour Tribe!

Even Air Canada made my first trip since 2001 a lovely breeze. Here is what I wrote to them:

Air Canada staff on flights July 3rd flights 8638 from Ottawa to Halifax and 8880 onto Deer Lake and then on July 9th from Deer Lake flight  8885 to Halifax and onto Ottawa on flight 8597 were courteous, cheerful and helpful. Thank you Air Canada and staff for making a long awaited trip an incredibly positive experience!!

This trip left me feeling empowered.

I felt so totally and incredibly happy right down to the very core of my being. Totally exhilarating!

This whole experience is such a triumph. I never thought that I'd be able to take off like that again. I used to travel on my own years ago. I started when I was 19 with a trip to California, lived abroad for 3 years in my late twenties and traveled well into my mid to late 30's. 
 Places I've lived or been too.

 

In my 40's, I struggled with the real and imagined dangers of life trying to avoid everything that might upset the comfy confines of my routines. A couple of years ago, I decided that I needed to embrace life outside of the cage. I wanted my 50's to be glorious. 

So there I was wide awake in the middle of the night in Woody Point feeling grateful. Thank you to everyone who has had a part, big or small, in encouraging me in my journey.  This trip was such a celebration of being alive and healthy, mentally and physically.

Gratitude, peace, health, acceptance, joy and enthusiasm!

Burning candies and overcoming OCD

My dad worked away from home for days and sometimes weeks at a time. When he would come home home, the table was lit with candles and wine was served. Dinner at our house was always festive.

When OCD got a hold of me in the mid 2000s, I became afraid of candles. If I manage to overcome my fear long enough to light some, I would put them outside of the house before leaving for the day because, I was afraid of them causing a fire .

One of the first assignments that my therapistgave me last winter , was to light a candle and let it burn itself out to see what would the happen. I used my favourite Kosta Boda votive candle holder which would make the flames appear to be dancing on the table. The assignment required me to leave the house everyday to go to work for the next week and leave the votive candle in the holder, I.e., I was not allowed to put the candle outside. Well, the house would still be there when I got home and it's still standing today.

Last night, we had friends over for dinner. In order to celebrate overcoming OCD, I decided to light candles and put them everywhere our guests would likely go in the house: kitchen, living room, dining area, bathroom. One of my guests noticed and commented immediately. I had told her awhile back to stop giving me candles as gifts because they were distressing to me. Now, I suppose that she might go back to giving me candles, but that's okay, I will embrace them and go with the flow.

Study came to an end a couple of weeks ago

I had been fortunate enough to participate in a study about therapy for O.C.D. patients. My sessions started around late November or early December of last year. I'd go about once a week or once every two weeks.
I wrote about some of the challenges that I had to do and how I got through them. I felt a bit of a relapse towards the end of the summer when I was going a month without seeing my therapist. It was as if not having to be accountable to someone allowed me to falter. However, when my therapy ended, I felt happy and confident that my life would no longer be the same and that I had the tools in order to break free from being a slave to my checking habits.

Yes, I still check some things, but I don't go around the house or my place of work in circles rechecking things multiple times and feeling that if something bad happens it will be my fault.
I know and accept now that sh*# happens and that I just have to deal with it if and when it does. The day after my last therapy session I had to drive back into the city for a sonogram for my breasts. The old me would have been panicking. I decided to recapture some of the faith I used to have years ago or maybe practice a new accepting faith. I decided to trust God, Spirit, Jesus or whoever you would have me refer to that I was healthy. I also decided that if something came up that I would get through it with grace, faith and strength. I no longer want to live in fear and I was presented with a real life, real time situation to start practicing. 

So, I've decided to keep being grateful everyday for each new day and the gifts and challenges which present themselves to me. I am getting along much better with my partner and life is generally flowing.

What's next?
Because there has to be something else in order to progress, right?

Well, I'd like to not check dumb things at all. Sometimes, I walk out and forget to check stuff and that's healthy compared to taking 45 minutes just to leave the house because I kept going in circles.

I'd also like to take a trip a bit farther away from home. More than a 8 hour drive. Maybe getting back into air travel or something a bit harder than driving a day's drive away for 4 or 5 days. I don't know what yet. A lifetime ago, I used to travel a lot. I'm not sure that that's what I want now, but I do know that I would like to be a bit more mobile.

Still checking some things..but once

I've gone back to work which as much as I love teaching is stressful. So far, I'm mostly checking things at home and at work once, maybe twice, and then telling myself "So be it, I,ve done all that I can do" before leaving. I'm not as paranoid about my new SUV either. I'm careful as always, it is in my nature, but at some point you just have to let go.

Every day is still a struggle, but I feel as if I'm making a lot of progress. I can now walk out of the house in a spontaneous manner and forget to check things, especially if just running out for a few minutes. If I'm going to the city or away for a few hours I still check things like the computer, the front door, the dryer and the kitchen appliances. I don't need to touch them multiple times like I used to.

We are leaving in an hour. I'm going to force myself to check only what needs to be checked: front door, cat, back door. 

Setbacks are for learning

I've noticed that I've starting checking things that I'd quit checking. This has happened in the last couple of weeks. What has changed? The purchase of a brand new car? I'm worried about scratching, denting or smashing it up altogether? Is this what is causing anxiety? Next week, I'm heading off to a workshop and 4 day learning session in the woods with a bunch of people I don't know. Will I fit in? Will I be wasting 4 days of vacation? Could this be causing some anxiety? The end of summer vacation is nearing and school will be all engulfing again. Is this causing anxiety?

Reality check

I'm a good and cautious driver so the chances are slim or therefore beyond my control if anything happens to my brand new car. I have good insurance. The thing is that I would feel responsible and I am afraid of disappointing my partner and myself. All of that is triggering some of my lifetraps: unrelenting standards, subjugation, vulnerability. And those are just some of my top lifetraps.

I usually make friends easily so I shouldn't worry about other people at the workshop. I should remember that if I'm interested in others instead of worrying about myself, I should be okay. And as far as wasting my time, well, if nothing else, I'll be learning about forest management and meet new people.

So the summer is coming to and end and people keep asking me when does school start up. It's the same story every summer. I worry that OCD will flare up as I get ready to go back to work. I've come so far and now I'm worrying about OCD. I should really aim my attention at what is causing the anxiety and not the symptoms. I'm anxious about going back to work. Why should I be? I'm successful and well-liked and I enjoy a good reputation. My unrelenting standards often push me to do more than I need to do to perform my duties well. In the last few years, I've been able to work more wisely and be more effective while whittling down the long hours. I know that I must continue to put myself ahead of my work if I want to stay healthy and less anxious. I need to continue to limit the time that I spend working either at school or at home on school relating projects.

I'm also worried about my time with my therapist coming to an end soon. I worry that I'll slip right back into my old checking habits because I won't have to report to her regularly. She's giving me the tools that I need to keep on living my life more freely. It's still a struggle but I need to put everything into practice. I need to look at each of fears head on, educate myself on the chances of my fears becoming a reality and face them.
 
I need to continue to make time for taking in the good so that the good pushes away my worries.
Here are my ways of taking in the good:

reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time

So, I've slipped back into checking. It isn't nearly as bad as it was before I got help but don't want to go back to wasting precious time and working myself into such states of anxiety that I become almost paralyzed and unable to make a move. 

OCD and checking rituals are a lot like your brain is skipping and playing the same thing over and over again like an old LP record. 
 
I mustn't stay stuck but face my fears and continue to push through them. I'm okay right here, right now.  And even if something bad happens, if I survive to live through it, I'll eventually be okay. I have to keep on going. 

I wish you success.

All I really need to know I learned from my journey through OCD.

Do what needs to be done right now.

Forget the rest.

Be okay right here, right now.

Lean into what is going on around and inside of me right now. 

Sit and smile.

Know that even when things go wrong, that most often, I'm usually okay anyway.

Set attainable goals.

Celebrate baby steps as much as GIANT steps.

Avoid pressuring myself to get over OCD and anxiety within a certain time frame.

Stop trying to please everyone.

Be good to myself and to others without forgetting myself.

Abstain from wanting what I don't already have (things, people, lifestyle, etc.).

Accept that this is part of my journey.

Enjoy little moments as much as big moments.

Enthuse when possible.

Share my passion. 

Focus on gratitude.

I have recently been able to leave the house with the computer and TV on, the coffee maker and nightlight plugged in and the washing machine doing it's thing and when I came back the house was still standing and the cat hadn't escaped. So there. Take that OCD!

I am slowly learning that I don't have to be always be hyper-vigilant and that I am not totally vulnerable or always in danger of something terrible happening.

I have also decided not to put pressure on myself to prove to myself that I can still travel. I'm basically a sloth when I'm not at work or without a mission so I'm going to stop researching trips and maxing out my anxiety levels over travel plans and leaving home. For now, I've decided that I'll travel when an opportunity comes up.

I'll focus on taking in the good as Dr. Rick Hanson says.

My ways of taking in the good:

reading
swimming
sitting outside near the feeder watching the chipmunk, squirrels and birds
playing guitar and ukulele
writing music
writing
napping
cycling with my partner
baking cookies
taking photos
straightening my back
breathing in
breathing out
good cup of coffee
watching the sun set
watching the sun rise
listening to waves on the water
listening to the frogs at night and the birds in the morning
weeding the garden
sitting and enjoying the garden
paddling
warm showers
appreciating the view
writing every day
writing about gratitude in my journal every day
recognizing my good health
eating well
deep conversations with one person at a time



I wish you peace and success in your journey.

Success vs mastery in learning to let go and overcome O.C.D.

I've had some successes in letting go and leaving places without checking and going around in circles, but I got down on myself last week because after a stressful event, I tended to revert back to checking certain things, just a wee bit. Enough to take notice.

The stress was initiated by an outside situation which got blown up in my mind and my  inner emotional reaction was as if someone had been hurt or killed. Again, the consequences were all in my anxious mind. I was fearful of what people might say because I hadn't stepped back and spoken up when there was still time. In the end, the event went well and it has been forgotten.

For two or three days afterwards, my stress level was on high alert and boy, did I ever want to double and triple check stuff. I was able to get myself back to not checking by being mindful in every moment before leaving the house or my place of work.

I can't rest on my recent successes in overcoming O.C.D.. I have to build myself up and practice habits and a mindset which will free me in the long run.

When I am stressed and I have a tendency to want to double or triple or quadruple check something, I have to remind myself to think about the following:

In what circumstances can this dreadful thing happen?

What are the chances that it could actually happen?

Have I done what any sane, normal person would do to be prepared?

And then, I have to let go.

So success can be a one shot deal. Mastery requires patience, repetition, striving, failure and reajustments.

Yeah, failure. It's humbling, but it leads us away from complacency in anything.

Thinking back to the times that I have failed in life, my failures can often be traced back to complacency. The "I got this" attitude. Well, I know that I ain't got this one yet. As maddening as it is, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my successes have occurred in order for me to have faith and know that I can live normally again. And perhaps, my stumbling this past week is to humble me into continuing my mindfulness work.

Finally, I am also realizing that my journey is not laid out in a straight line but that there are twists and turns. I took a turn into a low valley where the sun set unusually early and I felt the darkness. I've found a way out of the valley but I can't climb straight up and out. There are a lot of switchbacks on this steep mountain. If I take it one step at a time, one day at a time and keep telling myself that it isn't much farther now, I'll eventually get to the top.

I won't even worry about what the next valley might have in store for me.